Cable News Coverage Of The War

Cable News Coverage Of The War: Flip on the cable coverage of the war on any channel and this about what you’ll see…

Anchor: This just in — for the 10th consecutive day there have been explosions heard in Baghdad. However, we don’t have any actual footage or even information about what they hit. Wait — wait…we’ve got a report from one of our embedded reporters…

Embedded Reporter: As you can see, we’re in the desert. There has been furious fighting all around us…

Anchor: Do you have any footage of the fighting?

Embedded Reporter: Yes and it’s spectacular! However, because of the agreements we signed with military you won’t be able to see it until 2057. However, we do have lots of grainy footage of me standing in the desert in front of a tank.

Anchor: Fascinating — so we’ve learned that there is furious fighting going on in the desert. Well, let’s check with our panel of military analysts. So we’re ten days in. Coalition forces have suffered less than fifty casualties while inflicting unbelievable carnage on the enemy. We have thousands of Iraqi prisoners, thousands more of Saddam’s men have deserted, and we’ve undoubtedly killed many thousands of Iraqi troops while destroying much of Saddam’s command and control structure. How would you say it’s going?

Ex-General: Oh, it’s going terribly. It’s the worst military disaster ever. I blame the battle plan for this debacle…

Anchor: So do you know what the entire battle plan is?

Ex-General: Ehr no…I don’t.

Anchor: OK…how do you think things are going Colonel?

Ex-Colonel: Vietnam, quagmire, Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam, quagmire & finally Vietnam.

Anchor: Thank you Colonel. How about you Expert X, what do you think?

Expert X: I believe our troops were shocked to see actual resistance and I’m not sure it’s possible for us to win at this point. After all, what can a division of marines with support from helicopters and B52s do against a bunch of Iraqis firing at them from the backs of pick-up trucks? If we had no resistance I think this would have been a winnable war. But now that we’ve established that there are some Iraqis willing to fight when Saddam’s men have guns to their children’s heads, I think we might be in real trouble..

Anchor: Wow, it looks like we’re doomed. We’ve got to take a commercial break. We’ll be right back.

Producer: Ok, you’re doing great with what you have. Now, here’s the latest information — we have explosions in Baghdad & more from our embedded journalists who are standing in front of tanks. Now I’m going to need you to fill two hours with that….

Anchor: Please, I can’t take this anymore. It’s so monotonous. This is a war, there has to be more news than that. At least let me go to the bathroom before we go back on the air! For the love of God…

Producer: We’re live in 3 – 2 – 1…

Anchor: Welcome back. We have breaking news. It seems that there have been explosions in Baghdad. Let’s go to our panel of experts who can speculate wildly about the cause and effect of the explosions without having enough information to really make an informed judgement…

Etc, etc, etc, until the end of the war….

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