Car-Jackers Insists He Has Never Even Played ‘Grand Theft Auto – Vice City’ By Karl Ring
Los Angeles, CA – A local man, arrested Sunday on suspicion of a carjacking that started in the South Central section of Los Angeles and ended in Pasadena, claims that he has never even played “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.”
The suspect, 22-year-old Ruben Alejandro, allegedly pulled the owner from the vehicle at gunpoint before leading police on a high speed pursuit for more than three hours. Los Angeles District Attorney Dan Hill said that the evidence against both Alejandro and the video game are overwhelming and is considering pursuing action against the manufacturer of Sony Playstation and developer Rockstar Games.
“We’ve seen this game,” Hill said. “We’ve done extensive investigation on this game and the weapons [Alejandro] used and the pedestrians he mercilessly ran over, clearly mirror those depicted in the video game.”
Alejandro, however, asserts that his alleged crime was motivated purely by greed, desperation and a crippling addiction to crack cocaine.
“I was trying to get away, that’s all,” Alejandro said during his bail hearing. “I can’t afford no gaudy Playstation. That’s why I’m out robbing people. I even had to pawn my Commodore when my girl got pregnant.”
Despite Alejandro’s assertions of his innocence, a number of witnesses have come forward to support the charges. Edward Jackson of Watts was at a stoplight next to the car when he saw the carjacking and noticed Alejandro carrying several Grand Theft Auto-type weapons and blaring music similar to the ones from the game.
“For god’s sake, he had a katana and a chainsaw. He just grabbed that poor lady and yanked her right out the car,” Jackson said. “Then, when I heard the 80’s music blaring from the stereo, that was the clincher.”
Still, Alejandro maintains that the similarities between the crime and the game are purely coincidental. “I’m not interested in playing expensive video games. I’m interested in smoking crack. Finding crack, buying crack and smoking crack. Crashing into cars and killing cops is just an added bonus.”
Added Alejandro, “I gotta admit, there’s nothing like playing Tetris on crack. And that game don’t cost no fifty bucks.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Karl Ring, you can read more of his work at Bob From Accounting (some humor articles are offensive and use obscene language)