Clinton’s Promise Not To Upstage Kerry Upstages Kerry By Andy Borowitz

Former President Bill Clinton’s promise not to upstage Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) has had precisely the opposite effect, as his promise garnered more press attention than the presumptive Democratic nominee for the third consecutive day.

Case in point: a Kerry campaign rally in Toledo, Ohio yesterday was attended by virtually no representatives of the media except for a lone stringer from a Japanese newspaper, who asked the candidate, “What can you tell us about President Clinton’s promise not to upstage you?”

A visibly angry Sen. Kerry ignored the reporter, thundering, “Where the [bleep] is everyone?” before a quick-thinking campaign aide unplugged his microphone.

The answer to Mr. Kerry’s question, it turned out, was Chappaqua, where hundreds of reporters staked out the former president’s home in the hopes of getting further comment about Mr. Clinton’s promise not to upstage Mr. Kerry.

Kerry campaign aides have been sensitive about the upstaging issue ever since a rally in Evanston, Illinois earlier this month in which the candidate was briefly upstaged by a plank of wood.

The pine two-by-four, which was leaning against the wall behind Mr. Kerry as he spoke, stole the audience’s attention away from the Massachusetts senator until it was spotted by sharp-eyed aides and removed.

Mr. Kerry briefly considered choosing the plank of wood as his running mate until advisers convinced him that the plank would upstage him.

If you enjoyed this satire by Andy Borowitz, you can read more of his work at the Borowitz Report.

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