Colin Powell Claims Bush Administration ‘A Bunch of Pansies’ By Marni Malarkey
Secretary of State Colin Powell has confirmed that he will not remain in his current position should President Bush win a second term in 2004. But in a press conference held yesterday morning in Washington, he surprised many when he explained his reasons. Far from the widely held belief that he is at odds with the aggressive, militaristic policy espoused by the president, Donald Rumsfeld and Vice-President Cheney, Powell stated that he felt the current administration was not “war-mongering, brutal and jingo-istic enough.” “Look,” he said, with visible impatience, “I was in ‘Nam, which is more than you can say for Dubya, okay? And I just think we ought to be blowing more people to kingdom come, back to the Stone Age, you know? I mean, why did it take a full three weeks to win in Iraq? Because we were trying so hard to not kill civilians! Well, bloody hell! How stupid. We should have just decimated everything in our path and let them know who was boss. We would have won in a day and a half, bloody hell.”
Powell added that “when I worked for Bush Senior I was equally frustrated when he wouldn’t let us go in and string Saddam up by his earlobes. Honestly! And you know, I just wanted to randomly slaughter as many people as possible, including those cowardly Iraqi soldiers who surrendered to us. We should have beaten them silly. Screw the Geneva Convention!”
Referring to the frequent press reports which claimed Powell had been insistent on trying to get UN cooperation for Operation Iraqi Freedom, the Secretary of State said that that was a “load of b***s***. I hate the UN. What a bunch of nancy-boys! I can’t stand ’em. If I had had things my way I would have had us drop a MOAB on the UN! But only if I had been certain Joschka Fischer was in there at the time. And you know, you may remember that I was there with a vial of anthrax. Well, that was not just for show. I was seriously considering throwing it at Fischer, de Villepin, you name it. The only thing that held me back was that I promised the president I wouldn’t.”
Reached for comment about Powell’s press conference, President Bush confirmed his Secretary of State’s comments, saying that “in the time I’ve known Colin, he’s wanted me to bomb India, Chile, Cuba, Canada, Mexico, Luxembourg, Sri Lanka, Guyana, Burkina Faso, Japan, Taiwan, India, Turkmenistan, Belgium, Uzbekistan, Pakistan, Ohio, Arizona, Montana, North Carolina, South Dakota, certain neighborhoods in Los Angeles and, as he called them, ‘those [email protected] in Kentucky.’ It’s been fairly hard to control him, and I think he’ll do better in private life than in the public service. I wish him the best.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Marni Malarkey, you can read more of her work at Broken Newz.
Note From John Hawkins #1: If only Colin Powell were even 1/10th as belligerent as he’s portrayed as being in this satire…oh I’m sorry, that must have simply been a beautiful dream…
Note From John Hawkins #2: I would give a week’s salary to watch Colin Powell throw something, it doesn’t even have to be anthrax, and hit Fischer or de Villepin in the head.
Note From John Hawkins #3: Oh. My. God. I. Have. Such. A. Cool. Idea. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to have a dunking booth game featuring Kofi Annan, Chirac, and Hans Blix with all of them running off at the mouth while you try to dunk them off into pools of piranhas or into angry mobs of peasants that hate the UN? IF ONLY I COULD DO FLASH…..Why didn’t I take those Flash classes? Why, Why? Why? It would pull a bazillion hits — just imagine, if you knock the first three down, you go to the bonus round with Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky, and Jimmy Carter. ****Sigh**** That would have been the coolest flash game ever….