Democrats Unveil Bold Plan To Win Back South By 2076 By Matt Myford

The Democratic National Committee released a statement yesterday stating there’s “a darn good chance” their party could be competitive in the South “no later than 72 years from now.”

DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe, who somehow still has a job, said “bold measures” were necessary and, if immediate action is not taken, the Democrats “will end up batting .000” in the South for the “entire 21st century.”

Some analysts estimated that 72 years was “a bit long,” while others estimated the Democrats “don’t have a realistic chance” of winning a Southern state until the year 2116.

Other DNC initiatives include “finding out more about this Christianity stuff” and perhaps “getting’ a gun and go shootin’ some geese.”

In a move illustrating the blue-red divide in the U.S., officials in the blue enclave of California announced they plan to open an embassy in the heart of red America. Mississippi and Kansas were listed as options for the California embassy.

In related news, Howard Dean promised to transform the DNC into a sober, calm, disciplined organization if he becomes the new chairman. Asked how he’d accomplish such a task, Dean replied, “YEEAAAAOOOOOOOOWWWWW!”

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