“Did you just scream?” “No, sorry, that was my salad.”

Via Jiblog, who asks: Plants Scream – What will vegans do now?!

The lovely scent of cut grass is the reek of plant anguish: When attacked, plants release airborne chemical compounds. Now scientists say plants can use these compounds almost like language, notifying nearby creatures who can “rescue” them from insect attacks.

How does that smell, you butcher, when you murder the carrots in your backyard garden? Does that smell real good?

A group of German scientists studying a wild tobacco plant noticed that the compounds it released – called green leaf volatiles or GLVs – were very specific. When the plants were infested by caterpillars, the plants released a distress GLV that attracted predatory bugs who like to eat the caterpillars in question.

Help me! Help me!

And, worst of all:

I think what’s most interesting about this study is the way it suggests that plants have a rudimentary form of language based on releasing these chemical compounds. These tobacco plants have the ability to modulate the signals they send out, depending on the kind of attack they’re suffering. Combine this discovery with the one a few weeks ago, that plants are able to perform simple computations, and it’s clear that the average person underestimates how much plants are dynamically engaged with their environments.

Okay, so, yes. The phrase “plants are able to perform simple computations” makes me want to facepalm and punch a hippie in the nose at the same time, which is difficult due to the visual obstruction created by the facepalm. If only I was a predatory bug that could home in by scent. Or…nah, forget I said that. Who wants to home in on a hippie’s scent?

Still. Read the whole thing, and I think you’ll agree: militant vegans really have little else to do now but eat each other on a volunteer basis. And, y’know, you’re gonna run out of volunteers pretty dang fast.

On the other hand, there’s always:

I’m just sayin’. Donuts want to be eaten.

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