Ding Dong the Stalker’s Gone — What Living Beneath a 26 Yr. Old Manchild Taught me about Generation “You’re Special”

It was two years ago this July that I was introduced to one of the strangest and most annoying characters I have ever come across in my life. Not only did this character live above me, but he also went to my school, trust me, this story will get good. When he first moved in, I noticed that for a guy who seemed to be in his mid-20s, mommy and daddy sure did a lot for him. I can remember one day, Waldo (yes this will be his name for this foray into the bizarre, for he in fact looked much like the wonderfully non-descript “Where’s Waldo” character) screamed at his mommy, “MOM THE DOOR IS MOLDY, GET DOWN THERE AND CLEAN IT!!!.” And without missing a beat I could hear mommy run downstairs and get to working on that oh so “icky” door. A week went by, and the new semester began at my school. Lo and behold who did I see when I walked into my first class on Monday???? WALDO. Yep, that mysterious creature that breezed into my condo realm like a clumsy genetic anomaly in the night. So this was going to be awkward to say the very least, I mean he did live above me, so I decided to play nice and say hello (big mistake). What amazed me about this developmentally/socially stunted manchild is that he was unbelievably confidant, borderline arrogant. I can remember one class our libtard professor made us watch Michael Moore’s Sicko (yes it really is that bad on a collegiate level), anyways there is a part in the film where Moore is describing Hillary Clinton, it’s rather gross and reveals his freaky Billary fetish, but he describes her as being “sexy”. Oh Waldo did not like this, and as if to strike up a conversation with me, he began to say how truly disgusting she was and how appalled he was by the Hillary montage. In all fairness I did agree with him, but staring at his over-sized head, hearing his shrill “I am better than you voice”, I couldn’t help but think, who the hell are you to pass judgment on any woman? Needless to say I let that slide, and hurried out of class to avoid having to converse with him.
It is now 3 AM, a week later, and I am abruptly awoken from a very deep REM sleep. What awoke me you ask? The strangest most guttural moaning sound one could possibly imagine. Then a thrashing, and what sounded like a refrigerator being thrown against the wall. WTF? I prayed to God that Waldo was just larping (Live action role playing, look it up) either that or dance dance revolution. I did a bleeeeh shake, and went back to sleep. This behavior continued for a couple weeks, I was so freaked out I didn’t say a word, not one single word, I just went on with the lack of sleep such disturbances caused. One day I am minding my own business, eating my salad and watching the history of the Red Baron on the History Channel (yes on occasion I do like to get my dork on), and I hear a knock on the door- I look through the peep hole to see who it is (I had the nauseous feeling it would be Waldo), sure enough it was WALDO. Waldo had a camera in his hand < >, and he pushed his way into my condo. You have to understand something about Waldy, he has the presence of a deranged kindergartner/infomercial host, what I mean is, he is very child-like, but very secure in his childishness, like he could sell a George Forman Grill secure. So he begins to ask me if I live alone, looks in my bedroom (yes this is the point where I imagine myself stuffed in zip-lock baggies in a freezer somewhere), and finally he cuts to the chase–He has a project for school and he needs someone to take pictures of him. I wanted him out of my place faster than you could shake a can of mase, so I agreed to take his pictures. What did this entail? GOING INTO HIS PLACE. This is one of those moments where you are screaming at the dumb girl in the horror movie, “DON’T GO IN THERE YOU DUMBA*S, YOU ARE GOING TO GET CUT!!!!”. What they don’t tell you in possible serial killer 101, is that you are so damn freaked out that a Catatonia of sorts sets in, and you just want to do what you have to do to get out of the situation. So I did, up I went to Waldo’s place, took the damn pictures of him playing solitaire and off I ran (methinks he was disappointed in the abrupt departure).

I was relieved, I had escaped the manchild cave in one piece and there was only a few weeks left in the semester. Of course the story doesn’t end there though. My mom comes to visit me on occasion with my dog, he will be called Baby Bear. Baby Bear is the light of my life, my joie de vivre, my fluffy widdle bundle of angel love that fell from Doggy Heaven < << am I nauseating you yet? Ok well you get it, I love my dog. Guess who didn’t like dogs? WALDO. Not only was there a look of disgust and terror that came over his face when my dog would come around, but Baby Bear turned into Kojo when he saw Waldo–who knows they say dogs have a sixth sense, perhaps he was picking up on the creepy stalker vibes. Well one day I am walking outside, and Waldo walks out his door and says to me, “You know you have a really annoying little dog.” You know how they say still waters run deep? I am one of those people that keeps a very steady contemplative brow, BUT you push me far enough, well let’s just say I have the power to bring grown men to tears. I said to Waldo, “MY DOG IS ANNOYING????? OH REALLY??? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S ANNOYING??? BEING WOKEN UP AT 3 O CLOCK IN THE EFFIN MORNING TO HEAR WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS YOU’RE DOING. HAVING SOME LUNATIC BARGE INTO MY CONDO AND ASK IF I LIVE ALONE, THAT’S ANNOYING!!!!!!.” More expletives followed, like I said, don’t want to move those still waters fellas, and Waldo turned three shades of crimson and walked away. perhaps this would be the end of things, hell I would have been scared of me, but alas more stalkery goodness was to follow. So the next morning I am getting ready for school, and normally I could hear Waldo get up to leave right after me, but not this morning, nope he was listening for me to leave. I get in my car, look in my rearview mirror, and who is behind me??? WALDO. Yep, he followed me to school, approached me in the parking lot, face bright red with his hands in the air, “I AM REALLY SORRY!!!” I said “look Waldo, leave me the F alone, I get it, you are embarrassed I called you out on your bizarre behavior, but you really need to back the shit up and leave me the hell alone now.” I ran into school, out of breath, freaked out, and in need of some friendly ears. My teacher assured me he would get in a heap of trouble if he came around again. Guess what? He did. He found me in the hallway and did the same, “I AM REALLY SORRY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SORRY.” Folks this wasn’t normal behavior, this was an unhinged individual. I got back into class, told the teacher, and she let me go for the day. I hauled a*s home and called the Po Po. Little known fact, Po Po don’t like when creepy dudes be all up in little lady’s biznezz, however until you can prove there has been a threat of violence (aka until you are turned into stalker casserole) there is not much you could do. The big male Po Po, offered to go put the fear of God into him, but of course Waldo was probably at a Larping competition.

I know this was long but the story will come to its climax shortly, so please be patient. The cops couldn’t do much for me, and Waldy was now getting to school early so he could sit right in front of me and stare at me. Such fun, I know, what a lucky girl I was. I talked to the prof, and he let me leave class early for the last week of the semester. Things cooled down quite a bit after that, but the strange noises continued. I am a pretty sly and calculating individual, when justice doesn’t jump on my lap, I hogtie it and bring into home to sit on my mantle. I was going to fix his ass. I was too cheap to hire a real attorney, and not really sure if I even had any legal grounds to threaten him, so I made a very ambiguous letter, just ambiguous enough to fool a manchild, but possibly good enough to convince his mommy and daddy. It read like a letter from an attorney, and basically stated that I had in fact notified the police (true), he had a record (sort of true), the complex was thinking about evicting him for his threatening behavior (eesh not really true), and that legal action will be taken if he did not augment his erratic nocturnal behavior (could be true). Ahhhh, so it worked for about a year, Waldo, shut the H to the E Double Hockey Sticks up. I got some sleep, I finished school, read some books, it was all good (for about a year). The past year however I guess the reality set in that we were never going to get married and have socially retarded children together, and he began to scream in the night “SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!”. Ugh, I guess part of me was like, maybe I should tell somebody, you know he could hurt himself, and another part of me was like, ugh just don’t ruin the drywall.

So the final climactic battle all unfolded last night. It all comes full circle you see, and I got a rare glimpse into what created such a bizarre and dysfunctional human being. I have gotten in the habit of screaming at the top of my lungs when Waldy starts his shenanigans (yes two years of shit, will drive a person to the brink). So last night as I was pounding on the ceiling, I heard a pound back, and though, AWWWW HELL NAH–Then a knock at my door- WALDO’S DADDY!!!!. Granted this was at night, I am in my nightshirt and I look like a deranged woman on a COPS episode with no pants on, but it did not matter, it was ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. He comes at me with a confrontational tone, as if I were in the wrong, and I say to him, “Listen you SOB, your son has stalked me and made my life a living hell the past two years.” And he says, “Well I don’t know about that.” I said stone-faced, “Would you like me to get the police report (which I had in my desk) and would you also like me to get the police to have you escorted out of here?” He looked scared (I love that look in a supposedly grown man’s face). He told me they were moving him, and ran back up to the beast he had created. I breathed a deep sigh of relief, and thought, ‘this house is clean’.

Very quickly I must touch on the title of this very verbose story; You see folks, this story is all too common in ‘Generation Gimmie.’ Here you have a 26 year old man who has been coddled by his mommy and daddy his whole life, played video games when he should have been mowing the lawn, screaming at his mother to clean the front door when he should have gotten off his fat arse to do it himself, and somehow thinking that someone like me would actually entertain the idea of, gee idk entering into wedded bliss with him? Yep every generation has its losers, no doubt about that, but this current crop of entitlement-driven, under-qualified for life, coddled, man-children are truly astonishing. Forty years ago, his a*s would have been shipped off to military school, and no video games to boot. Today he drives a brand new car, lived in a 2k a month condo, and will continue to live in a world in which his parents shield him from all those meanies who don’t think he is the second coming of Christ. So I say this to all those generation specials out there, hoping to land the corner office, marry Jessica Alba, and eventually get their own reality show–More than likely you aren’t that special, know what you have been given, use what you have been given, and for Christ’s sake don’t think the world owes you anything, just because Mommy and Daddy, and maybe even teacher said so.

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