Dude, Where’s My Votes?
Man, I was so happy with our win, but then I found out that places like Democratic Underground are arguing that Bush stole the election once again. What? But what about all those votes? Well, Wikipedia even has a page up about how the election was stolen with charts and everything. Is something up? Well, I contacted my local wing of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy who patched me into the national arm of the VRWC. Then I got to talk to two people I shall refer to as Hacker1 and Hacker2. Here is the conversation:
Frank: So, did we steal the election this time?
Hacker1: Yeah, totally. We like rigged all the machines so there was no way we could lose.
Frank: Why didn’t you tell me we had it in the bag? I was like totally worried about this election!
Hacker2: Sorry, dude, but we were like told not to spread it around too much.
Hacker1: Yeah, we needed everyone to act like it was close and worrisome so no one would know we like totally hacked it. That Karl Rove is smart, dude; he knows how to run things.
Hacker2: Yeah, Rove is totally evil and totally cool.
Frank: So did you hack voting everywhere?
Hacker1: Yeah, otherwise it would look weird if we only improved in the battleground states.
Hacker2: Rove was completely in charge of all that. He even came in last minute and said, “Give them New Hampshire,” and we were like, “Whatever.”
Frank: So was it hard hacking the vote?
Hacker1: Sorta, but Diebold gave us easy to follow instructions.
Hacker2: We totally owned all the votes.
Hacker2: It was funny to see the Democrats try and cheat the old-fashioned way. They can bring in all the dead people they want to vote, but we’ll just change their votes to Republican in the end.
Hacker1: (laughs) I bet you didn’t know this, but Michael Moore voted for Bush.
Hacker2: (laughs) He doesn’t know it either.
Frank: But aren’t people going to find out about this eventually?
Hacker1: Not if we’re careful, dude.
Hacker2: First off, we’re not going to hand out many landslides. It’s going to be a bunch of real close ones so we can say to the Democrats, “Oh, that was so close. You really should try again.”
Hacker1: (laughs) We’re going to drive them nuts.
Hacker2: Anyway, the VRWC will save money in the future as we cut back on commercials and campaign appearances, but Rove will make sure we don’t cut back so much that it looks suspicious.
Frank: Except to the Democratic Underground.
Hacker1: Yeah, there’s no fooling those guys. They’re on top of everything. Luckily, Rove had a plan for them too.
Hacker2: What he did was get all these mental patients – total schizos – and brainwash them about how evil the Republicans are. Then he gave them internet connections.
Hacker1: Now the schizos that Rove planted totally rule the Democratic Underground discussion forum. They’re the most prolific posters. Instead of getting anywhere on all the evil plans we have, they waste time blaming a Democrat event being rained out on Karl Rove.
Hacker2: Which is stupid because our weather machine is only 60% complete.
Frank: What about bloggers talking about voting malfeasance?
Hacker1: Dude, Rove totally owns the blogosphere. Most of the popular bloggers write only what Rove tells them.
Frank: Like who?
Frank: I knew it!
Hacker2: The phrase “Axis of Weasels” was all Rove’s idea.
Frank: So he controls the bloggers to combat the left-wing blogs like the DailyKos?
(both hackers laugh)
Hacker1: Dude, Rove personally writes DailyKos.
Hacker2: Yeah, he wants to control what the left are whining about.
Frank: Whoa! That Rove is one sinister, evil dude!
Frank: Hey, has Rove ever mentioned my site?
Hacker1: Uh… yeah, once. He asked me, “What’s this site ‘IMAO’?” And I told him, “Remember, it’s the one with the moon exploding.” And he said, “Oh yeah, it’s the stupid site about the angry dog.”
Frank: Cool! He knows my site! So, back to the main subject, what’s in the future of voting now that we own it?
Hacker1: We’ll only keep fixing elections for so long. Eventually we’ll dissolve the Democratic party and turn the U.S. into a one-party ruled dictatorship.
Hacker2: That’s Rove’s long-term plans.
Frank: Neato. Well, thanks for talking to me.
Hacker1: You’re not going to publish this, are you?
Frank: Uh… well… er… uh… no.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.