EPA Nominee Plans to ‘Conquer and Dominate’ Nature

Utah Gov. Michael O. Leavitt, President Bush’s nominee for director of Environmental Protection (EPA), said he plans to drain and pave the nation’s swamps, open all federal lands to vigorous strip mining and permit visitors to Yellowstone National Park to “harvest” one grizzly bear per day.

“Humans have a manifest destiny to conquer and dominate nature,” said Gov. Leavitt. “No more will Americans be passive victims of nature’s whims, allowing stupid amphibians to decide where we live and work and drive.”

He suggested environmental protectionists “should be released into the wilderness where they can struggle for survival side-by-side with the bugs, grubs, weeds and vermin they love so well.”

Although Gov. Leavitt has a record of protecting the air, water and land in his home state, he said he decided to “take a more aggressive stance” when he learned that the media would label him a conservative extremist in spite his actual record.

“The menu at the EPA cafeteria will include the meat of many endangered species,” he added. “And we will immediately launch a PR campaign to improve the image of mercury-laden fish, which are surprisingly tasty despite what you may have read.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.

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