France Seeks New Ways to Alienate, Offend By Rip Rowan

Following the publishing of a report stating that France does not consider Hamas or Islamic Jihad to be “terrorist” organizations, France is now openly soliciting new ideas which could further alienate and offend its neighbors and former allies.

The statement, made just two days after Hamas assumed responsibility for killing twenty civilians on a bus in Jerusalem, came as a staggering blow to Israelis and Americans alike. In the statement, French diplomatic adviser Maurice Gourdault-Montagne (who is a man) affirmed that France is actively soliciting to keep Hamas and Islamic Jihad off of the EU’s list of known terror organizations.

“Hamas and Islamic Jihad are not terror organizations,” said Gourdault-Montagne (who is a man). “They are more like social clubs or church groups.”

After a year of vigorously opposing the United States on virtually ever issue imaginable, “France has run out of ideas,” said French President Jacques Chirac (a hominid). Chirac (a hominid) described the frustration his government faces. “We realized that all the really offensive ideas had been tried. Supporting Saddam Hussein? Done. Desecrating the graves of fallen US soldiers? Done. Not bathing? Slutty women with hairy legs and armpits? Old hat.”

“That left the hole card: taking sides with Hamas and Islamic Jihad as they kill innocent Israelis. It was a brilliant move, but how can we top this?”

The government has launched a new campaign, entitled “Piss On The World,” to spur French people into creative new ways to offend everybody on Earth. The campaign “taps the vast wealth of belligerence and repugnance of the French population,” said Chirac (a hominid).

If you enjoyed this satire by Rip Rowan, you can read more of his work at The Skeptician.

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