Frank Advice For Restoring The Democratic Party By Frank J.
The Democrats are in disarray and need a new leader, if you haven’t heard. I think I have the perfect person: me!
“But you’re loyal to the Republicans!” you’re probably now saying.
True, but, like any good loyalty, it can be bought.
So, for the right price, I will help Democrats with ideas like these:
* Make a great recipe for nachos. Then, if someone says, “You’re nothing but tax-happy, whiny, pacifist wussies,” you can answer, “Yes, but try our nachos.”
* Democrats need to train hard to stop being such “girly men.” There will be a rigorous exercise routine every morning, afternoon, and at dusk. Finally, Democrats will be dropped into the middle of a forest with nothing but a survival knife. Those who return will be fit to run for office. All others shall feed the worms!
* Democrats need a cool name. The current name is just too ugly sounding.
“Honey, I just finished cleaning some crat out of the gutter.”
Instead, change name to something that’s popular, like N’Sync.
* In a popular book among dejected loser Democrats, it’s explains how using euphemisms can help Democrats convince people to there side. Why stop there? Instead, let’s come up with completely made up, nice-sounding words for bad things. “Taxes” can be skooble. “Abortion” can be chirpy-diddle.
“We need more skooble to get chirpy-diddle for the poor. Who could be opposed to something so cromulent?”
* Enfranchise monkeys. Studies show that monkeys respond better to the simpler shape of the ‘D’ than the more complex shape of the ‘R’. This should make them a solid Democrat voting block. Be careful, though – they bite!
* Two word for attracting more people to the Democratic Party: Free hat.
* Have a gladiatorial arena for settling inter-party disputes. Those who survive will once again be the stronger candidates. All others shall feed the worms!
* Poisoning your opponent seems to be all the rage in Ukraine; maybe we should import that.
* Since Republicans seems to have a monopoly on the Christian God, try gaining the support of the gods of old like Zeus of the Greeks and Odin of the Norse. Have them challenge the power of the one God. Hopefully that will work out well.
* If worse comes to worse, you can always put LSD in the water come election day.
With all this advice, Democrats should do super-good. Now give me money!
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.