Frank Ideas for the Bush Reelection Campaign By Frank J.
Out of pity, I gave some advice to John Kerry, but here is some even better advice for President Bush. I want him to win reelection so that terrorists continue to die and my taxes continue to get cut – things quite important to me. So, if you’re President Bush, please read and consider this advice carefully. Everyone else, you can just ignore.
Flying Fists of Death: In a world full of terrorism, the world needs a kung fu president. You should train night and day on your kung fu skills. When it’s time for a debate, as soon as Kerry makes a cheap shot at you, you can say, “I will not stand here and be dishonored!” Then flip over in front of him and use your spinning dragon punch to shatter Kerry’s podium and send him flying backwards.
“Ah! My French-lookingness!”
Cheerio: Some people make fun of the way you talks. Well, here is and easy way around it. You could just lip-sync while Tony Blair does all your speeches for you.
“For my next trick, I will use my dry, English wit to berate my opponent while I sip this cup of tea. Cheerio.”
The Bounty Hunter: Alternately, improve on your cowboy image by always wearing a cowboy hat, having a piece of straw hanging out of your mouth, and having six-shooters at your sides. Anytime a reporter is disrespect’n you, shoot the microphone out of his hand and then shoot at his feet while yelling, “Dance!”
People like a take charge kind of guy, so you should have a photo-op where you come out holding a lever-action rifle followed by your cabinet dressed up as your posse. Then you rip an “Osama bin Laden: Wanted Dead or Alive” poster off the wall and announce, “I’m going to catch that varmint myself!” Let’s see someone haughty and aloof do that.
Mr. Nice Guy: People seem to not like prisoner abuse, so why don’t they videotape you standing next to an Iraqi prisoner for twelve hours and not abusing him. Then people will be like, “Wow, what a nice guy that President Bush is, not abusing that prisoner or cutting off his ears and making a necklace out of it like Kerry would.”
War Upon War: War helps the Republicans because it makes the American public focus on what’s really important, so you should start another war just before the election to help yourself out. If people start saying, “Hey! You only started that war to help yourself!” then start yet another war to distract from that scandal. Repeat until Election Day.
The Patriot Act: A lot of people seem to be afraid of the Patriot Act but not know exactly what it authorizes, so tell people you’ll be able to use the Patriot Act to hunt down all people who vote for John Kerry and then hook up electrodes to them where people wouldn’t want electrodes hooked up.
“No tinfoil hat will help you now! Muh ha ha ha!”
Just Because: Nuke France. Not sure how it will help the campaign, but I never heard a good reason not to nuke France. Just make sure, that, when asked if you nuked France to help your campaign, to answer, “Oui.” The American public will appreciate the candor.
The Grand Slam: What’s the American pastime? That’s right: football. Unfortunately, the timing of that is not right for the presidential election, so we’ll have to go with baseball instead. Usually the president will throw out a pitch or something, but I have a better idea. Let me set the scene for you:
It’s the bottom of the ninth in the World Series and the underdog Americans are down by three runs against the new, radical, Islamist, anti-American, team – the Jihadists – that was added this season. There are two outs and the bases are loaded. “I only have to strike out one more infidel batter, and the Americans will see that we radical Muslims are superior! Allahu Akbar!” sneers the pitcher – a known terrorist. So who comes up to bat?
“Ha! Now I can humiliate their foolish president as well!” laughs the pitcher.
“I think you misunderestimate me, Omar” Bush says as he holds a finger up in the air to feel the wind. Bush then points at the pitcher’s head.
Enraged, the pitched launches a fastball at Bush. The President responds with a mighty swing. The crack of the bat hitting the ball echoes throughout the world, and, with a trail of flame, the ball flies straight into the pitches head, exploding it. The ball is then propelled in the stratosphere, and the homerun is so glorious to behold that the terrorist’s faces all melt at the sight of it like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Bush then triumphantly trots across the bases while the crowd shouts, “Four more years! Four more years!”
Man, what a photo-op to end all photo-ops. I’m not sure how hard that will be to set up, but I’m just the idea man; task this to one of your overworked political campaign staffers.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.