Frank Suggestions For A Running Mate For John F’n Kerry By Frank J.
Since most likely Democratic strategists read IMAO as do all smart important people, I thought I might throw them a bone and help them find a running mate for their haughty, French-looking candidate. Lot’s of people are suggesting John Edwards, Democrat governers, and other boring, predictable suggestions. If Democrats want to really energize their base and get young people like me out to vote who consider the ten minutes voitng much better spent playing vidoegames and eating nachos (my age group is dumb; want to fight about it?), they need someone dynamic who doesn’t fit the usual mold. Here are my suggestions:
Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey
Occupation: Monkey/Massachusetts State Senator
Pros: Really connects with the average Democrat voter by having the same intelligence.
Cons: Extremely liberal voting record. Bites.
Mysterio the Masked Democrat
Pros: An unnamed Democrat usually does better in the polls than a specific one, so why not have an unnamed Democrat on the ticket. Is he a moderate or a liberal? He’s whatever you want him to be.
Cons: Probably Bill Clinton trying to sneak into office again.
Pros: Ninja flips and rolls make it hard for Republicans to attack him.
Cons: Due to ninja stealth, he has low voter visibility.
Occupation: Genocidal Dictator
Pros: People keep comparing Bush to Hitler; well, let’s see how he stands up to the real deal.
Cons: He’s Hitler.
Occupation: Fallen Angel/Lobbyist for Evil
Pros: Why go for a watered down Satan like Hillary when you can have the real deal?
Cons: Will probably isolate the religious from the Democrats more so than usual. He’s also a registered Independent.
Occupation: Robot in Disguise
Pros: Hard to accuse giant, megalomaniacal robot of not being tough enough to fight the war on terror. Won’t scare off anti-gun-control blue collar Democrats since he can show his own support of guns by transforming into one.
Cons: How does he shrink when he turns into a gun? That doesn’t make any sense.
A Wooden Post
Occupation: Wooden Post
Pros: Lack of voting record makes attacks by Republicans hard.
Cons: Too reminiscent of Al Gore.
Occupation: Fat, Smelly, Obnoxious Man
Pros: Wacky liberals seem to like him instead of being made nauseous at the sight of him. Hard to imagine but true.
Cons: To keep him happy, most of campaign budget will have to be spent on fried cheese.
Pros: Favorite of the anti-war crowd.
Cons: Might go on murdering spree… but you can say that about anyone.
Occupation: Evil Fiery Eye
Pros: Will ensure orc, goblin, and hippy vote.
Cons: Though an all seeing eye, by staying up upon a tower he has the reputation of being aloof much like John Kerry.
An M-16 with Grenade Launcher
Occupation: Assault Weapon
Pros: When it comes time for John Kerry to announce his running mate, he could say, “I liked to introduce my choice of running mate.” He could then pull out the M-16 and shout, “SAY HELLO TO MY LEETLE FRIEND!!!” and that would be so cool!
Cons: Not really much to this one other than the intro… but it would be so cool!
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.