by John Hawkins | September 10, 2004 11:57 pm
Kerry needs to catch up in the polls. For that, he’ll need some powerful commercials. There are a few issues he needs to hit, and I think I know how he should do them.
First, he needs to settle the controversy about his Vietnam service once and for all:
* * * *
AD: I SERVED IN VIETNAM!
Kerry: You may not know this, but I served in Vietnam. That’s right, I was in Vietnam and was shot at and everything. I even have medals.
[Kerry shows his medals to the camera and then tosses them away.]
Kerry: Plus I have wounds.
[Kerry pulls up sleeve and holds his arm to the camera.]
Kerry: You’ll probably need HDTV to see it. Now, can you really imagine having a president who wasn’t on a boat being shot at? That’s crazy. You may have also heard about my testimony after I left Vietnam about war crimes. That’s just how dedicated I am: I will commit war crimes on America’s behalf. Now that is real leadership.
[Fade to black and show the logo “John Kerry: He commits war crimes.”]
* * * *
Next Kerry need to let people know exactly where he stands on the war in Iraq:
* * * *
AD: WHERE I STAND ON IRAQ
Kerry: Some people claim they can’t tell what my position is on the war in Iraq. Well, I want to settle this once and for all.
[Kerry reaches down to pick something up, but is unable.]
Kerry: Jeeves, help me here.
Kerry’s Butler: Certainly, sir.
[Together, they lift up a gigantic book.]
Kerry: In this 8,000 page book I wrote entitled “Whether the Iraq War is Right or Wrong,” I definitively answer my views on the current war in Iraq. I will send this free to any voter – though UPS is charging $100 for shipping.
[Fade to black with the slogan “John Kerry: He has heavy views on heavy issues.”]
* * * *
A poll of other countries shows that Kerry would win in a landslide if this were a worldwide election. Hmm. People who hate America and don’t want it to be a superpower would vote for Kerry.
Anyway, maybe it’s time for Kerry to show his foreign support.
* * * *
AD: ANONYMOUS BACKERS
Kerry: Just listen to these unnamed foreign leaders I met in New York restaurants who they think should be president.
[One leader is on screen, face blacked out.]
Foreign Leader 1: I like this Kerry! He speaks zee French. He knows to consult weeth French people on important matters, and not stupid Americans!
[Another leader with face blacked out appears on screen.]
Foreign Leader 2: I like Kerry and I hate jooooos!
[Yet another leader appears with face blacked out.]
Foreign Leader 3: That camera is shiny!
[Fade to black with the slogan “John Kerry: Anonymous foreign people think he should be president; shouldn’t you?”]
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work here[1].
Source URL: https://rightwingnews.com/uncategorized/frank-suggestions-for-kerry-campaign-commercials-by-frank-j/
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