Frank Suggestions on Using Less Gas By Frank J.

Gas prices are at a record high right now (if you don’t factor in inflation or count other countries), so I thought as a public service I’d list some ways to save gas while getting where you need to go.

Walk
PROS: No costly equipment needed. Powered by renewable fuel source.
CONS: No civilized man has used walking as transportation since the days of the caveman.

Use Public Transportation
PROS: Use less fuel per capita by riding together.
CONS: Probably get mugged or stabbed… or just wish you were.

Drive a Small, Fuel-Efficient Car
PROS: Keep the convenience of a car while using less fuel.
CONS: Why don’t you just give up and move to France while you’re at it.

Drive an Electric Car
PROS: Uses no gasoline. Quiet.
CONS: After nine hours of charging, it has a range of about eight miles.

Drive a Hybrid Car
PROS: Uses less fuel by combining electricity with gasoline.
CONS: A relatively new technology, so no scientist has been able to show how it causes cancer yet.

Ride a Horse Drawn Chariot
PROS: Look extremely regal as you stand while riding through town. Especially a great way of transportation if you like whipping animals.
CONS: Crashes can be extremely hazardous if someone sticks something in your spokes. I’d only ride one if it has a rollover bar.

Trade Blood for Oil
PROS: You keep making more blood, so why not trade it for the gas you need.
CONS: Some gas station won’t accept blood in trade and thus have a “No Blood for Oil!” sign out front.

Drive a Solar Powered Car
PROS: The power of the sun is free… for now.
CONS: As for what you do at night or on a cloudy day, I have no idea.

Drive a Coal Powered Car
PROS: Uses cheap, clean coal.
CONS: Shoveling coal while driving is almost as distracting as talking on the phone. With the open flame there, you may need a drink to calm your nerves.

Ride a Dog Sled
PROS: Dogs are happy animals and the friends of man.
CONS: Will need to cause some sort of new Ice Age to be able to use a dog sled anywhere… which is harder than it sounds. May chase after people in cat sleds.

Fly a Zeppelin
PROS: You will be master of the skies. Achtung!
CONS: Just don’t smoke near the… Oh! The humanity!

Replace Car Engine with a Hamster in a Wheel
PROS: Will get you about the same horsepower as a Geo Metro with no gasoline.
CONS: Need to keep replacing wood shavings in the engine to keep down the smell. If your engine dies on you, not much you can do without advanced skills in necromancy.

Ride a Segway
PROS: High-tech gyro keeps you upright as you speed down the sidewalks.
CONS: Riding one, you’ll look like a complete goober… a complete goober from the future!

Ride a Bobcat with a Saddle on It
PROS: Quite exotic and will certainly turn heads.
CONS: Angry.

Use a Transporter
PROS: Instantaneous travel gets rid of commute time.
CONS: If a fly gets in there with you, you will become a hideous mutant that looks like Jeff Goldblum. If a monkey sneaks in there with you, that could be the start of the planet of the apes.

Use a Rubber Hose and a Breath Mint
PROS: Can keep driving your SUV for little cost.
CONS: None… as long as no one is watching. And make sure to use the breath mint after you get the gasoline.

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.

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