Freedom Hating Terrorist Content Now That He’s In Prison – Satire By Bob From Accounting
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba — Just six months after being captured by a Marine unit in Iraq, imprisoned terrorist and well-known “freedom-hater” Mohammed al Jaqar is finally content for the first time in his life.
According to officials, al Jaqar spent time at terrorist training camps in Afghanistan before returning to Iraq and pledging his allegiance to Saddam Hussein and declaring jihad on the U.S, Great Britain and Israel. But all that changed after a just few days behind a razorwire enclosure.
“Praise Allah that George Bush and the rest of the infidels have finally given me peace of mind I’ve prayed for all this time,” al Jaqar said from his 4′ x 6′ cell. “I so deeply believed in my hatred of freedom that this was really only way out.”
Al Jaqar was captured while trying to plant a roadside bomb in Tikrit. He resisted at first, but as soon as he was handcuffed his demeanor changed almost immediately.
“As soon as that plastic wire tie went around his wrists and I told him he was going to spend the rest of his life in jail, he looked relieved, maybe even thankful,” said Sgt. James Lippon who caught the insurgent. “President Bush was right, these people just can’t stand our freedoms.”
“We feel strongly that prison has saved this freedom-hater’s life,” said a guard in charge of al Jaqar and hundreds of other captured insurgents. “He’s so much happier now that we’ve taken away even the simplest freedoms, which he so despises. I think he appreciates that we don’t even allow him to brush his own teeth.”
Al Jaqar grew up in a small village outside Baghdad, always feeling right at home under the tyrannical rule of Hussein. He seemed happiest when soldiers rousted the families of his town for their money and demanded they vote for Saddam in the next election. After the US overthrew Iraq, things changed for the worse.
“The day Al Jazeera reported that we were now free Iraqis, Mohammed became enraged and left to join the insurgency,” Mohammed’s mother Shira said. “I told him he was free now to do as he pleased. He mocked me and then spat in my face.”
Prison officials have tried to use al Jaqar to convince fellow inmates that the true heaven lies within the walls of their confines where the fulfillment of their freedom-hating ways can come to fruition.
“I’ve never been so content in all my life,” Al Jaqar said from his cell. “And if I ever get out, I can live in Cuba, another land of limited freedoms. May all my brothers and sisters be as fortunate as me. Praise be to Allah.”
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