Further Scientifical Analysis Of The Left By Frank J.
I’m still trying to work on my book that will analyze the methods and motives of liberals. I meant to get a whole chapter done yesterday, but something came up and I didn’t finish it. Anyway, here is what I got so far, and I’d love to hear some opinions. Is it too zany? Not zany enough?
“Look! Federal Government!”
Liberals want to take my money and spend it on poor people and children, but I hate poor people and children and like my money. So, you ask, why I don’t I just throw a stick at liberals when they come for my money?
I wish it were that simple.
You see, a long time ago liberals infiltrated the government and its tax system, and now I have to give money to be spent on all the crazy ideas liberals come up with or mean men will beat me up and throw me in jail. It’s horrible but true.
It all happened back in 1913 when people wore funny clothes and hats because they didn’t know any better. Some people were complaining that the rich weren’t paying their “fair share”(1) and thus proposed an amendment to the Constitution to allow income tax. Why the rich people back then didn’t use their wealth to have people with those viewpoints killed is unknown(2), but now we are stuck with the 16th Amendment which allowed the government easy access to our incomes. Soon followed all the programs like welfare, social security, Medicare, etc.; all things that a young, gainfully employed person like me has absolutely no use for.
But in liberals’ twisted sense of reality, this is charity, except that it’s forcefully taking money for others for worthless boondoggles thus making it nothing like charity. When I think of charity, I think of Jesus, and his modus operandi was not to help the poor by taking the money of others at gunpoint and then pistol-whipping them. Actually, I don’t think Jesus pistol-whipped anyone at all.(3) Still, liberals convince themselves that by stealing the hard earned money of others they are doing good, and there is method to their madness. What does control of people’s money equal in simpler terms?
If you raised your hand and said, “Power,” please be quiet while reading. But yes, control of other people’s money is one of liberals’ main paths to power. It will be a reoccurring theme throughout the discussion of liberal viewpoints that they believe that they are the only smart ones and that everyone who doesn’t agree with them is very, very dumb. Thus, in their simple mind processes, the more money they take from people as taxes and spend themselves, the more money that is spent wisely. They think that is a great policy, when, in fact, the more money taken from conservatives, the angrier we get. And making us angry is always a very bad idea.(4)
Now, the taking of the money is one thing, but what these liberals spend it on is just insult to injury. They try to make the federal government help people. Help people! As we common folk(5) know, the federal government is a massive lumbering entity mainly useful for making foreign people dead(6), but the idea of having the federal government help individuals makes as much sense as having Godzilla run a daycare center – it’s more likely to crush people than to help them. But, as the federal government runs amok, breathing fire on people and knocking over buildings, do liberals finally realize their programs don’t work? No! They always answer that the problem is that the programs just need more funding. Why? Because they’re insane – insane with power from your money.
1. No one yet as to exactly figure out what a “fair share” is by liberal “logic”. All that is known is what a fair share is not: it’s not whatever the rich are paying now.
2. Some theories are that the rich were lazy back then or had too much opium in their diet.
3. The Bible is sketchy on Jesus’ teenage years, though.
4. I’ll get to the topic of guns later.
5. “Common folk” is my shorthand for “people who are not pompous morons”.
6. For more information on America’s skill at killing evil foreign people put into a Google search “America war –Vietnam”. Damn hippies.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.