Gephardt Backs Kerry: ‘He’s No Miserable Failure’ By Scott Ott
John Kerry’s presidential campaign staff today “shifted into neutral for the swift downhill glide to the nomination” after receiving word that its candidate would receive the coveted Dick Gephardt endorsement.
“We’re pulling all of our ads and cancelling dozens of campaign appearances,” said Mr. Kerry’s campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill. “Why blow all that money when you’ve got the Gephardt mojo working? From now on, Sen. Kerry will devote his time to polishing his acceptance speech and interviewing candidates for cabinet posts.”
According to a prepared text of his endorsement remarks, Mr. Gephardt will say, “John Kerry is the frontrunner for the Democrat nomination, and that’s why I’m endorsing him now, rather than before last week’s primary in my home state of Missouri. Unlike George W. Bush, he’s no miserable failure. I’m encouraging all of my supporters, including the union members who helped me capture fourth place in Iowa, to get behind John Kerry.”
A spokesman for Mr. Gephardt said that the Missouri Congressman ran for president recently, although the claim could not be independently confirmed.
If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.