Greenspan To Head Up U2 Becomes Lead Singer As Bono Leaves For World Bank by Andy Borowitz
Bank Longtime Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan stunned the worlds of finance and pop music today by announcing that he would leave his post “effective immediately” to become lead singer of the Irish rock band U2.
In filling the key position with the platinum-selling musical act, Mr. Greenspan is replacing U2 lead singer Bono, who is rumored to be heading for the top job at the World Bank.
Mr. Greenspan struck many observers as an unlikely choice to assume such an important role in one of the world’s most influential rock bands, since his convoluted and often cryptic use of the English language seems incompatible with the more straightforward demands of rock music.
Reportedly, the former Fed chairman has already rewritten the lyrics of one of U2’s most famous songs, “With or Without You,” to read, “Going forward, the cost of my living with or without you may exceed my capacity to fulfill any reasonable expectations of success in either or both of those endeavors.”
Dexter Tolan, who monitors the Fed and the recording industry for Credit Suisse First Boston, said that he was “dumbfounded” by the choice of Greenspan to head U2: “I really thought the job was going to go to [former Treasury Secretary] Paul O’Neill.”
But unlike some of Mr.Greenspan’s critics, Mr. Tolan does not believe that, at age 79, the former Fed chief is “too old” to be a rock star: “Being 79 certainly hasn’t hurt Mick Jagger.”
Elsewhere, Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher was forced to resign after an affair with a female employee went $2.4 billion over budget.
This satire was used with the permission of Andy Borowitz from the Borowitz Report. You can read more of his work by clicking here.