Hawkins Vs. Golf

I’ve never had much luck with golf.

I played a few times when I was a teenager, but I wasn’t THAT into it and I had a couple of rotten experiences with the game.

In one of the first rounds of golf that I ever played, I had no idea what I was doing — and I carried one of those big, heavy golf bags, full to the brim with clubs, all the way around the course for 18 holes. Oddly enough, although it didn’t break the skin, the area where the strap rubbed up against my shoulder left a permanent scar that I have to this day.

Then, after that, I was out playing golf with a group of friends. All of us were new to the game and so, we didn’t know any better than to walk 60 yards or so up the course after we hit our balls, but BEFORE the last one of us teed off. We figured that we were way off to the side, so what could happen?

Well, the guy teeing off hit a screaming slice that never went more than a few inches off the ground and unfortunately, it went right into my shin. At that point, I dropped like a paralyzed falcon and reeled off a string of obscenities that probably killed the grass for 10 yards in every direction.

After that, I was done with golf.

But, now I live on the coast of North Carolina and there are golf courses everywhere. Plus, not so long ago, I finished up Vince Lombardi’s autobiography and it talked about how he liked to play golf on the week-ends to relax. Besides, I think there’s some sort of rule that says Republicans over 35 are required to play golf (It’s right before the rule that says we have to move down to Florida when we reach 70).

Put it all together and I’ve decided to start playing golf again.

So, towards that end, I headed out to a local driving range today to hit a few balls and see how it feels. On the upside, it felt fine. On the downside, I was so awful, that I’m sure Jack Nicklaus would be spinning in his grave if he had seen me play. Now, you may be thinking, “Wait a second, Jack Nicklaus isn’t dead.” True, but had he seen how terrible I was and what I had done to his beloved game, he would have keeled over from shame on the spot; then after he was buried, he would have rolled over.

Still, I’m going to soldier on. So, if you have any advice on how to play or can point me towards some great golf pages that’ll give me some pointers, I’d appreciate it.

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