Helping Out The Paranoid Lefties Who Think The Right Is Evil

I’m not going to beat around the bush here; I am an ultra-conservative, radical, right-winger who is far to the right of George Bush. I favored the war in Iraq, I’m for term limits, a Balanced Budget Amendment, and a flat tax. I am implacably opposed to gay marriage, strongly approve of the war on drugs, want to overturn Roe Vs. Wade, and I support the death penalty so much that I’d love nothing better than to personally apply it to Osama Bin Laden with my HS 2000 9 millimeter. All of this is easily verifiable by simply perusing my aptly titled blog, Right Wing News which you’re reading right now.

That’s why I wanted to let all you left-wingers out there know that you’re drinking just a little too much of your own bathwater when it comes to these paranoid conspiracy theories. So just to put your mind at ease, I thought I’d dispell a few of the…ah, I don’t want to say kooky here since I’m trying to be diplomatic…so let’s just say eccentric…eccentric ideas that many people on the left seem to have about conservatives. So, here are just a few things I want to publicly announce to the world just so I can do my part to help left-wingers calm the heck down…

I…

— …have seen nothing that makes me question the patriotism of any of the Democratic candidates for Presidents.

— …don’t believe being anti-war makes you unpatriotic.

— …have zero interest in an American empire.

— …am not rich.

— …wouldn’t support a “war on Islam”.

— …don’t support a draft.

— …consider Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell to be annoying.

— …believe it would be the duty of every American to oppose, violently if necessary, putting liberals in any sort of camp for their political views.

— …think conservative policies are much more beneficial to the poor than liberal policies.

— …believe in a colorblind world.

— …would not support getting rid of Social Security.

— …am convinced the war in Iraq was not about oil, taking revenge for Saddam’s attack on Bush 41, making money for Haliburton or any other similarly petty reason.

— …disagree with & have criticized President Bush on a number of things including immigration policy, spending, campaign finance reform, steel tariffs, and the farm bill.

— …don’t hate the Clintons.

— …don’t believe the US can ever go Fascist, Nazi, or towards any other style of totalitarian government barring some sort of worldwide disaster that completely changes all life on planet earth.

— …think we need to take every precaution to make sure that our elections are fair, honest, and above reproach.

— …would rather a Republican candidate lose than cheat to win an election.

Do any of you lefties feel any better now knowing that someone with my views thinks this way?

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