Here Come the Christians — Satire By Liberal Larry

Fire-breathing red-baiters like J. Edgar Hoover and Ronald Raygun warned us for years that communist boogeymen were infiltrating our government at every level. Now Americans are slowly beginning to realize that it was all a ruse – a diversionary tactic to blind us from the truth: the real threat to our democracy is not godless commies nor muslim terrorists, but churchgoing Christians. Fifty years after the infamous McCarthy witchhunts, there are almost as many Christians in the GOP as there are communists in the Democrat Party, and their numbers are growing. Beholden not to The People nor their respective union representatives but rather to fundamentalist extremist dominionist religious supremacist groups like the Boy Scouts of America, Christian politicians have formed a covert shadow government bent on only one goal: a return to the pre-1960’s dark ages of moral absolutes.

As progressive Christians, we can no longer sit back and allow Christian infiltration, Christian indoctrination, Christian subversion and the international Christian conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. That was the theme of the CUNY conference on the Secret Agenda of the Evil Christians last weekend. I enjoyed the diverse panel of speakers, many of whom were former members of the Christian clergy who became disenchanted with the cesspools of morality and dens of heterocentric religious dogma that their churches had become. Unlike Jesus, these true prophets will deliver us from two thousand years of white Christian male hegemony, rather than condemn us to two thousand more.

Instead of live blogging, I kept a small record of my experiences to share with my readers.

Saturday
8:00 AM Caught cab to convention hall just in time for opening benediction to Earth Goddess, by Rev. Moonchild Spiritwolf, Wannabi Shaman.
8:25 Boy Scout color guard presents U.S. Flag.
8:27 Boy Scout color guard gets drenched with spittle.
9:00 Sneered at and belittled prominent Christians in American history.
10:00 Sneered at and belittled prominent Christians in the U.S. Government.
11:15 Sneered at and belittled prominent Christians in the Christian Religion.
11:25 Attended John Sugg lecture on the intolerance of the Christian Right.
11:26 Speaker Jeff Sharlet cited the box-office success of Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ as proof that we’re living in a Christian Theocracy unseen since the dawn of time.
11:30 Joan Bokaer talked about the irrepairable damage Christian spiritualism has wrought on science.
12:00 Break for chakra balancing and complimentary ginseng colonics in the Holistic Wellness Center.
1:00 Rev. Moonchild Spiritwolf spoke on the Christian genocide of white dudes who dress and speak like cartoon Indians.
2:00 George “Sulu” Takei signed autographs and answered questions from fans.
3:00 Robert Burtney spoke at length on how Transcendent Spirituality Will Get You Laid.
3:30 Spotted Jude, aka Iddybud at the “Healing America Through the Eternal Light of Progressive Brotherhood” booth. She pretended not to know me.
4:00 Gave my speech on Christian Homeless Shelters, The Secret Right-Wing Agenda to Lure the Mentally-Ill Away from the Democrat Party to standing ovation.
4:30 Stalked Iddybud to the “One Nation, Under GOP” booth. Offered to share a flotation tank after the hootenanny.
5:00 Closing incantation, led by A Small Rhododendron Outside Convention Hall.
5:20 burned Bush in effigy. The peeResident, not the Rhododendron.
5:30 retired to motel room, stabbed self in thigh with fork as penance for over 600 years of white Christian male hegemony.
6:00 Cried self to sleep.

Sunday
8:00 AM Non-Denominational Prayer to International Community of Love, by Rev. Cheyenne Starflower, Lesbian Priestess.
8:25 Boy Scout Color Guard runs through convention hall like a bat out of hell.
8:30 Attended Christian Jihad speech by the brilliant Skipp Stevenson, who compared 700 Club to Taliban, demanded blue-haired old ladies be put on terrorist watch list.
9:00 Had photo taken with Nana “Kira Nerys” Visitor. Is she as hot in real life as she is on TV? nuqDaq ‘oH puchpa”e’!!
11:30 My B-I-N-G-O spells “Theocracy” speech was interrupted by church bells from across the street.
11:35 Followed angry mob across the street and pelted intolerant dominionists with rancid tomatoes as they came out of church.
12:00 Lunch break. Passed on complimentary Wasabi Colonic and went to Starbucks for some rocket fuel.
12:15 Chip Berlet lecture on the rise of Dominionism drowned out by bloodcurdling screams from Holistic Wellness Center
12:30 Fitz Turgent called for government denunciation of dominionists and the eradication of dominionism from all aspects of society.
1:00 Attended Biff Skiplet lecture on how the alliance between Dominionists and Cardassians threatens to turn the Alpha Quadrant into a fascist theocracy.
1:30 Looked up “Dominionism” in dictionary. Closest I could find was “Domenico Zampieri”.
2:30 Caught up with Iddybud at the “Chemtrails and Christian Mind Control” booth, awkwardly complimented her tinfoil hat. Not positive, but I might have accidentally said “tinfoil breasts”. Damn that Bush!
2:45 Dr. Jerry Skeef spoke on sexual predators in the Catholic Church, and presented a moving tribute to the Kennedy Family.
3:00 Group recital of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.
4:00 Closing ceremonies. William Shatner performed John Lennon’s Imagine while crowd danced lambada around Virgin Mary statue smeared with goat feces.
4:30 Joined march to bigoted conference at Madison Square Garden, spat on Boy Scout color guard.
5:30 Retired to motel room, tore pages containing dominionist propaganda out of Bible.
6:00 Cried myself to sleep.

Overall, it was a great vacation, and I’m looking forward to joining the progressive cause to restore America to the godless utopia our Founding Fathers envisioned.

Live long and prosper.

Satire used with the permission of Liberal Larry from BlameBush! You can read more of his work by clicking here.

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