I Don’t Care How Many Tricks You Teach It, A Chimp Isn’t A Person

Animal rights wackos are trying to get a chimp declared to be a human being in Austrian courts,

“In some ways, Hiasl is like any other Viennese: He indulges a weakness for pastry, likes to paint and enjoys chilling out watching TV.

But he doesn’t care for coffee, and he isn’t actually a person–at least not yet.

In a case that could set a global legal precedent for granting basic rights to apes, animal rights advocates are seeking to get the 26- year-old male chimpanzee legally declared a “person.”

Hiasl’s supporters argue he needs that status to become a legal entity that can receive donations and get a guardian to look out for his interests.

“Our main argument is that Hiasl is a person and has basic legal rights,” said Eberhart Theuer, a lawyer leading the challenge on behalf of the Association Against Animal Factories, a Vienna animal rights group.

“We mean the right to life, the right to not be tortured, the right to freedom under certain conditions,” Theuer said.

“We’re not talking about the right to vote here.”

The campaign began after the animal sanctuary where Hiasl (pronounced HEE-zul) and another chimp, Rosi, have lived for 25 years went bankrupt.

Activists want to ensure the apes don’t wind up homeless if the shelter closes. Both have already suffered: They were captured as babies in Sierra Leone in 1982 and smuggled in a crate to Austria for use in pharmaceutical experiments. Customs officers intercepted the shipment and turned the chimps over to the shelter.

Their food and veterinary bills run about $6,800 a month. Donors have offered to help, but there’s a catch: Under Austrian law, only a person can receive personal donations.”

This is such a charade. They’re trying to make people think they can’t take care of the chimp unless he’s declared a person, but they could set up some sort of legal entity like a foundation or charity that could take in money for the chimp’s care if they wanted to do so. Instead, they’re hoping to use the “hard cases make bad law” rule to their advantage. You know, “This poor chimp will starve to death if he’s not declared a person and you don’t want him to die, do you?”

More from the article,

“Chimps share 99.4 percent of their DNA with humans,” he said. “OK, they’re not homo sapiens. But they’re obviously also not things–the only other option the law provides.”

So they share 99.4% of their DNA with human. Whoop-de-doo! Humans and mice share 99% of the same genes. Heck, even 60 percent of the genes in chickens are similar to ours. Think about that the next time you eat scrambled eggs.

Here’s the last quote from the article,

“When you see Hiasl, he really comes across as a person,” Theuer said.

“He has a real personality. It strikes you immediately: This is an individual. You just have to look him in the eye to see that.”

You know what? I’m guessing that if you look Hiasl in the eye, the first thing you will notice is that you are looking into the eyes of a chimp.

No matter how you try to spin it, chimps ain’t people — they’re animals — and trying to give animals human rights is foolish.

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