In My World a Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away: Star Operation Freedoms — Satire By Frank J.
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“Mace Rumsfeld, how can you justify the attack on Geonosis when there was no attack by them against us first?” asked a reporter.
A low rumbling was heard, and all the press grasped at their throats and fell dead to the ground.
“These press conferences take too long,” Mace Rumsfeld grumbled.
* * * *
In a world of betrayal…
“We can only defeat the evil Anti-Trade Federation if we have a united front at home,” Dubya Skywalker said, “That means getting good judges into the galactic judiciary.”
“Uh-oh,” Obi Wan Cheney grumbled, “Just look at the holo-television.”
On screen was Jar-Jar Hagel talking to the press. “Meesa not so sure meesa support Skywalker. Meesa thinks the ‘thermal-detonator’ option is too harsh. Meesa maverick.”
Dubya Skywalker drew his lightsaber. “I’LL MURDER HIM DEAD!”
* * * *
…in a world of doubt…
Obi Wan Cheney heard the sound of jetpack behind him and turned just in time to draw his lightsaber and block multiple laser blasts. Floating above him was the infamous liberal reporter, Jango Fett. “You will answer questions about how this war is all about your tibanna gas interests.”
“Go to hell,” Obi Wan Cheney responded, “and you can quote me on that.”
Jango Fett shot out a cord that wrapped around Cheney and then fired his jetpack, dragging Cheney along the ground.
“This can’t be good for my heart…”
* * * *
…in a world of growing darkness…
“I don’t know who I can trust, Master Yoda,” Dubya Skywalker pleaded.
“Mmm, fallen to the Democrat side many have,” Yoda answered, “Weak and whiny its powers are, but with it much favorable press attention does come.”
* * * *
…in a world of enemies…
“I know you’ve fallen to the Democrat side, Count Reid,” Dubya Skywalker declared, “and are helping the Anti-Trade Federation. You better turn now before you end up like Darth Daschle.”
“Perhaps we can make some sort of compromise,” Count Reid offered.
“I’ll compromise…” Bush drew his lightsaber, “after I MURDER YOU DEAD!”
* * * *
…a hero must step forth.
“I am ready, Yoda,” Dubya Skywalker said. “Make me a Jedi Master,”
“Too perilous for you to face the Sith Witch, Darth Rodham,” Yoda answered, “And ready you are not. Too impulsive you are. Stupid you be. Even worse with grammar than I is you. Plus, too emotional you are.”
“Emotional!” Dubya Skywalker screamed, “I’LL MURDER ALL YOU JEDI DEAD!”
* * * *
“Kill them! Kill them all!” the hooded figure of Darth Rove screamed.
“I dunno; I have a bad feeling about this,” Dubya Skywalker said. “And there’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while: Are you evil?”
“No, young Jedi,” Darth Rove answered, smiling a jagged smile, “Why would you think such a thing?”
“Because you’re always plotting and advising me to slaughter everyone.”
Darth Rove let out a bone-chilling laugh. “I only have your best interests in mind.” A cute little puppy walked by, and Darth Rove shot out lighting from his finger tips and fried it, laughing insanely the whole time.
“Well, as long as we’re clear on you not being evil,” Dubya Skywalker said as he walked off.
* * * *
“This is it!” Dubya Skywalker yelled, “Obi Wan Cheney, you fight the Jedi fallen to the Democrat side. Mace Rumsfeld, you hold off the droid armies. I’ll take on Darth Rodham.”
Dubya Skywalker and Obi Wan Cheney drew their lightsabers, but Mace Rumsfeld just stood there. “Back when I was young, Jedi didn’t have these fancy little glow sticks,” Mace Rumsfeld grumbled, “We did fine beating off evil with a stick.”
“Just fight the droids, Mace Rumsfeld,” Obi Wan Cheney pleaded.
“Bah! I’m tired and I’m taking a nap.”
* * * *
“Foolish Jedi!” screeched Darth Rodham, “You cannot stop me! Soon I’ll manipulate the public to accept me as their leader, and the galaxy will be under my control!”
Dubya Skywalker stood his ground, holding his lightsaber ready. “Not if I MURDER YOU DEAD!”
A low rumbling was heard, and then a lamp flew threw the air and struck Dubya Skywalker in the face.
“Son of a…”
* * * *
STAR OPERATION FREEDOMS – COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU!
* * * *
“Now, I’ll answer questions for Dubya Skywalker,” C3P-McClellan said, “and, I remind you, I’m fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.”
“How does Dubya Skywalker give comfort to the families of the clone troopers sent out in this deadly and unneeded war?” asked one reporter.
“Well, since they’re clones, they don’t have families. Next question.”
“Rarrrrgerrwar!” asked the reporter from the Kashyyyk Daily.
“I don’t think there is any reason to bring up Abu Grahib again,” C3P-McClellan answered, “Anyway, those were dismantled droid troopers in those photos.”
“Currently, planet Usa is in violation of a number of provisions laid out by the United Planets by it having more than one distinct climate. Are there any plans to address that?”
“It is being discussed at this time,” C3P-McClellan replied, “Any other questions?”
“How do you respond to charges that the previous two administrations really sucked in comparison to the next three administrations?”
“Huh?”
This satire was used with the permission of Frank J. from IMAO. You can read more of his work here.
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