In My World: Cleaning Up the U.N. By Frank J.
Bush looked over the back of the Declaration of Independence carefully. “So where is that treasure map?”
Laura Bush snatched it from his hands. “What did I tell you about playing with historical documents? I’m taking this back to the National Archives.”
“Aww,” Bush moaned as Laura walked away. He then picked up his phone. “Frist, where’s that intelligence bill?”
“We’re still working on it.”
“What! What’s the use of a majority if they don’t do what I tell them? You shape up, or I’ll find some other Congress to do my bidding!” Bush hung up. “Now I’m bored.”
Bush spotted Scott McClellan walking by. “Hey, Scott; what’s happening in the world?”
“Well… uh… there is the oil for food scandal at the U.N.”
“Great idea!” Bush exclaimed as he sat up. “Let’s clean up the U.N.” Bush opened up a closet revealing a large number of baseball bats. He picked one up. “Here, you pick one, Scott.”
“Uh… okay,” Scott said dubiously as he took a bat.
Bush poked Scott in the stomach with his bat. “That’s a bat for playing baseball with, dumbass! Get a beating bat.” Bush then handed Scott a new bat.
“So what are we going to do with these bats?” Scott asked.
“You’re so dumb,” Bush answered as he headed out of the office, “Now let’s find Rumsfeld.”
Rumsfeld was nearby using a phone and shouting, “I want the insurgents dead! DEAD! You should be killing them now! …You’re not killing them; you’re talking to me!”
“Hey, Rummy, can we borrow your dog?” Bush asked.
“Yes! Just stop bothering me!”
“Deal! Chomps, grab your U.N. helmet.”
Chomps grabbed his blue peacekeeper helmet, flipped it in the air, and caught it on his head. He then growled at whatever he suspected he’d be angry at soon.
Bush, Scott, and Chomps headed for the door, but were soon spotted by Laura. “Quick, Scott, use your spin powers so she doesn’t get suspicious.”
“What are you two doing with baseball bats and Rumsfeld’s angry dog?” Laura questioned.
“Uh… we’re going to play baseball at the park,” Scott answered.
“But those look like beating bats to me… as evidenced by the blood stains on them,” Laura said suspiciously.
“No, we… uh… painted them with splashes of red… which all the cool kids are doing now.”
“Then why does Chomps have his U.N. peacekeeper helmet?”
“He’s using that as a baseball helmet.”
“And why don’t you two have helmets?”
“We’re… uh… much less safety conscious than Chomps..”
Laura tried to stare down Scott. “Okay, but I’m going to keep my eye on you two!” She then walked off.
“Good job, Scott,” Bush said, “Now let’s go smash!”
* * * *
“Smash! Smash! Smash!” Bush yelled as he swung his bat around and smashed stuff in the U.N. “You smash stuff too!” he told Scott.
“Okay,” Scott said as he dubiously hit stuff with his bat. “Hey! This is fun!”
“You look suspicious to me!” Bush yelled at one U.N. delegate. He then raised his bat. “You get out of the U.N.!” The man ran away in fear. “This place is filled with lackeys of dictators.”
“What are you doing?” Kofi Annan demanded.
“We’re cleaning up the U.N., Coffee,” Bush told him. He then picked up a paperweight off a desk and threw it at a window, shattering it. “And we do windows!”
“We’ll see about that!” Kofi answered, “Kojo!”
A large man entered the room. “I am Kojo!” he yelled, “The U.N. exists for Kojo to make money. You smash U.N., then you fight Kojo. I am Kojo.”
“I’ll smash you good!” Bush yelled as he ran at Kojo and swung his bat. The bat smashed to pieces against Kojo.
Kojo laughed. “You cannot smash Kojo! I am Kojo!”
“Well, then,” Bush said, backing up, “I think it’s time for Kojo to meet Cujo.”
Chomps then leapt at Kojo with a vicious growl.
“No! Kojo no like being bit by angry dog! I am Kojo!”
“Now that’s some good peacekeeping, Chomps,” Bush chuckled.
“You cannot come in here and maul my son with your dog!” Kofi shouted.
“I can do whatever I want; I’m a newly reelected American president,” Bush answered, “Isn’t that right, Scott.”
“Well, you were reelected, but I’m not sure that gives you legal authority to…”
“Shut up, Scott,” Bush interrupted, “Anyway, Coffee, you better stop the U.N. from being so inept and corrupt!”
“Never!” Kofi shouted defiantly.
“Scott, smash him with your bat,” Bush ordered.
“Uh… I don’t know about smashing people. You see…” Suddenly something hit Scott’s bat. It was a shuriken stuck inside it.
“Oh no!” Bush shouted, “It’s the Chinese delegation to U.N. – evil Chinese Commie ninjas! Cheese it!”
Bush and Scott then ran away with ninjas in hot pursuit.
* * * *
“So, did Bush and you go to the U.N. to smash things with baseball bats, even mauling Kofi Annan’s son with an angry dog, until you were chased away by Chinese ninjas?” a reporter asked.
“Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?” Scott scoffed.
“Does America face a kung fu gap with the Chinese?” Melinda Hawkish of FOX News asked.
“That’s insane,” Scott answered, “Our kung fu is superior to theirs.”
“Then do a flying dragon punch,” Melinda challenged.
“Uh… later. My back is acting up.”
Melinda then leapt up behind the podium and got Scott in a headlock while twisting his wrist. “It’s obvious the Bush administration’s kung fu is weak,” Melinda said to her camera, “This is a FOX News exclusive.”
“Ow! Doesn’t this go against journalistic standards?” Scott whined.
The crowd of reporters laughed at the sound of the phrase “journalistic standards.”
“I hate you guys.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.