In My World: Snow Day — Satire By Frank J.
“It’s time for you to get to work, Snowman. By the way, that’s your new nickname,” President Bush told Tony Snow. “Nobody likes me anymore, but you have to spin things so everybody thinks I’m the super-coolest person ever. And you have to convince all the press to only write nice things about me. So you do a good job or you’ll end up like Scott McClellan – fat!”
“I’ll do what I can,” Tony answered, “but you try and stay out of trouble. I don’t want this job to be any harder than it already is.”
“Hey, trouble is my middle name!” Bush answered and then thought for a moment. “Wait, my middle name starts with a ‘w’. What is it? Wilhelm?”
“Just focus on not screwing anything up and I’ll handle the press,” Tony assured him. He then headed out to the press room where all the reporters were waiting.
“So, are you the new White House Press Secretary?” a reporter asked.
“First off,” Tony stated, “I’m already a hundred times the journalist of all you hacks added together, so, instead of answering your moronic queries, I’m just going to state everything you need to know and you’ll jot it all down and report that. Are we clear?”
“Mr. Snow, we need–” a reporter started to say, but then screamed in pain as he fell to the ground.
“Now, one thing you need to know,” Tony said, “is that I can now shock you through your press passes. This wasn’t my idea; it was done by Homeland Security. Now, on to politics. While there are many troubles in Iraq, it’s going much better than you shills report. Progress is being made daily. With Iran, many options are being looked at, but nothing has been decided on. Finally, the Democrats are all morons and you waste time reporting on anything they do or say. I think that covers everything.”
“What about how Karl Rove will be–” A horde of screaming demons crashed through the ceiling, grabbed the reporter, and flew off.
“It should be mentioned,” Tony said, “that questions about Karl Rove will cause screeching demons to come after you. That’s out of my hands.”
“And there are also reports that secret police are taking away anyone who questions the White House,” a reporter stated. “What is your reaction?”
Some men in black ran into the room, grabbed the reporter, and dragged her away.
“Next question,” Tony said in a bored voice.
“War murder and oil because Bush bad!” Helen Thomas cackled.
Tony Snow made a motion to some men in white in the back of the room. They came forward and gently walked Helen Thomas out of the press room.
“Are they taking her to a nursing home?” a reporter asked.
“That or they’re going to tie her up and leave her in an abandoned warehouse,” Tony answered. “Either way, I don’t care.”
A truck crashed through the side of the room. “Trouble, Tony!” Bush yelled as he got out of the driver seat. “I may have just been involved in an arm robbery and this truck may or may nor be stolen. Anyway, spin it all to make it sound good.”
“I thought we agreed you’d avoid misadventures until your polls are up!” Tony said.
Bush opened the back of the truck. “I tried; really, I did.” A bunch of Mexicans came out the back.
“Are you smuggling Mexicans across the border?” Tony asked.
“The less you know, the better.” Bush started dousing the truck in gasoline. “I’m going to take care of the evidence; you continue with your press conference.”
“I want you all to ignore the scene over there and focus on me,” Tony commanded the press. “I’m going to use this blackboard behind me to give you all a lecture on good journalism… since you guys really need it. Let’s get started.”
“I don’t need to be lectured about journalism from someone from FOX News!” David Gregory shouted. “I’m David Gregory! I–” David Gregory burst into flames.
“By the way,” Tony said, “the electrified press passes have a few kinks in them and sometimes explode. Then again, maybe that’s more of a feature than a bug.”
Panicked, Gregory ran into the truck setting it on fire.
“Since this room is starting to burn down,” one reporter said, “can we skip the lecture?”
“That might be smart. Oh, and I should tell you that, as part of the deal of the White House hiring me, FOX is filming this all for a reality show. So, if in the future, you find the press room filled with snakes or you get locked in an underground bunker, I warned you.”
The reporters fled the room.
“Good job for your first day,” Bush said. “So, what now?”
Tony looked at the burning truck. “I think I’m going to a bar.”
“There’s a list of nearest bars in your ‘Welcome to the White House Staff’ basket.” Bush looked around the room which was all quickly catching fire. “This isn’t going to burn itself out, is it?”
This satire was used with the permission of Frank J. from IMAO.