In My World: Total Recall 2 – This Time It’s Personal By Frank J.
“Dah!” Arnold Schwarzenegger yelled as he picked up his desk and snapped it in two.
“You have to calm down,” President Bush told him, “You have to expect these kind of attacks from evil people like Gray Davis.”
“Woman have boobies and I like to touch them!” Arnold shouted, “Why is that wrong?”
“Hey, I don’t make the laws,” Bush said defensively, but then thought for a moment. “Well, I do sign them.”
“And I don’t like Hitler!” Arnold said angrily, “Nazis are puny! I crush them! I am Ah-nuld!”
“We all know that; I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“By the way, thank you for coming to support me, President Bush person,” Arnold stated more calmly, “You are very wise.”
“Well thanks,” Bush answered, “but I actually came down here to visit Disneyland.” Bush’s hands shot up into the air. “Pirates of the Caribbean!”
On T.V. was Cruz Bustamante giving a press conference. “It is disturbing to me that Arnold gropes women while praising Hitler,” Bustamante told the press, trying to look serious and concerned.
“Dah!” Arnold screamed, crushing the T.V. with his fists. “I will kill that fat bald man! I will kill Davis too. They are puny! I will crush them! I am Ah-nuld!”
“Hey, the election is tomorrow,” Bush told Arnold, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Rumsfeld: Wait until the polls close to go on a murderous rampage.”
“You are a smart politician,” Arnold said, “but I must go by what I know, and that is the solution to all problems is bloody vengeance!”
* * * *
“I myself would never grope women,” Bustamante continued, “Why, even now, I make sure to get written permission before touching my wife. Also, I never praise Hitler on a daily basis.”
A large figure in a black leather jacket and wearing sunglasses appeared before the podium. “Are you Cruz Bustamante?” he asked in a low voice.
“You will be terminated!” Arnold shouted, grabbing Bustamante and lifting him into the air. “See that brick wall over there? He is your new friend. You go meet him up close and personal.” Arnold then threw Bustamante so hard that he became embedded into the brick wall.
“Arnold killed Cruz Bustamante!” shouted a reporter.
Arnold turned to stare into a camera. “You are next, Davis!”
* * * *
“He’s after us!” Gray Davis’s aide exclaimed as he watched the T.V.
“Bah!” Davis yelled, “We will hit him with so many allegations that he will be paralyzed! No one can stop me from finishing my incompetent term as governor! No one!”
“But putting out allegations that he supports Hitler!” the aide exclaimed, “That’s so extreme it’s almost a self parody!”
“I say come up with even worse allegation!” Davis yelled, “Where are my loyal trolls from the Los Angeles Times?”
The slimy trolls emerged. “We are here to serve the Democratic Party, master.”
“Put out a story that an unnamed source witnessed Arnold having gay sex with Satan.”
“Wait, I have an even better one,” Davis said, “Allege that part of his bodybuilding routine was to make an energy shake by putting a puppy in a blender.”
“That’s so evil and ridiculous no one will believe it!” the aide shouted.
“Silence!” Davis screamed, “Flying monkeys take him away!”
“Noooooo!” the aide yelled as he was dragged off by the winged monkeys.
“We will go print your allegations, master,” the trolls said as they left the office.
Davis then laughed evilly to himself until he was interrupted by the voice of his security officer over the intercom. “We’re being assaulted by Arnold Schwarzenegger wielding a minigun!”
“That means a really small gun, right?” Davis asked.
The only response was the sound of automatic gunfire. Soon his door was kicked in and there stood Arnold. He tossed his minigun aside and said, “Instead of Gray Davis, you will now be known as `Black & Blue’ Davis!”
“Ha!” Davis answered, “Everyone always underestimates me, but I’ll show you!” Davis then charged Arnold and threw a punch at him. It landed with no effect.
“Dah!” Arnold shouted as he punched Davis, sending flying backwards and smashing it apart. “You are puny, Davis! I crush you! I am Ah-nuld!” He approached the wounded Davis. “You said you wanted a debate? Well now you will get to debate St. Peter on whether you are allowed through the pearly gates.”
Davis held up a remote control. “If I can’t be the incompetent governor of California, no one can! Muh ha ha ha!”
As Davis hit the button, Arnold jumped out of the window, plunging three stories as the governor’s mansion exploded behind him.
Bush, wearing a Goofy hat, quickly ran over to help Arnold off the ground. “So is Davis really gone for good?” Bush asked.
Arnold looked to the rubble of the governor’s mansion. “We will know for certain soon. I am Ah-nuld!”
TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW AT A CALIFORNIA POLLING PLACE NEAR YOU!
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.