It’s Too Soon For A Movie About Snakes On A Plane — Satire By Frank J.

by John Hawkins | June 6, 2006 10:20 pm

Hollywood has always ran in conflict with the values of decent, Christian Americans, with its glorification of promiscuity, vulgarity, violence, and “alternate lifestyles.” Now, the twisted left-wingers who run Hollywood have declared an open war on Middle America with a summer movie that spits in the eye of anyone who cares for his fellow man. The movie, titled Snakes on a Plane, contains the frank depiction of snakes on a plane. The weirdoes in Hollywood may think this makes for entertainment, but, after less than 103 years since the invention of the plane, less than 58 years since the birth of Samuel L. Jackson, and less the 100 million years since the creation of snakes, it is just too soon for a movie combining the three.

Plane flight is already scary enough. Hardly a flight goes by without huge turbulence or both engines giving out on the plane at least temporarily. Then there is the constant and often realized threat of a cougar escaping from the cargo hold. We just take it for granted that, when you fly coach cross-country, there is a significant chance you will die a brutal death. Thus, the last thing we need is to be reminded of the snakes that could be possibly slithering near our feet as we enjoy some mini-pretzels with a small cup of Coke.

We all know there can be – and probably are – snakes on planes. Is there even one reader of this editorial who hasn’t lost a friend or relative to lethal snake bites while he or she was on a plane? Probably a few of you have barely survived on-flight snake attacks yourselves. Thus, it is such a galling insensitivity of the Hollywood elite (who fly in their snake-free first class) to think that snakes on a plane actually passes as entertainment. As someone who once fell asleep on a flight to wake with a boa constrictor trying to crush me, I can tell you it is not entertaining at all.

And think about the snakes. After being used as a vessel of Satan to damn man from paradise – a story recounted in a best-selling book and known to every American – snakes have worked hard to overcome bad publicity. Just when they thought they had finally reached a point where they can live in harmony with the rest of America, now comes a movie once again depicting them as the villains. Did Hollyweird even consider the backlash against snakes – the majority of whom would never harm anyone and actually benefit society by controlling the rodent population? No, the left-coast only cares about a few cheap thrills and the millions of dollars they can make through exploiting tragedy.

At least there is some wisdom in Samuel L. Jackson’s already famous line from the movie: “I want these mother@#$% snakes off this mother@#$% plane!” You hear that, Hollywood? We want some decency in our movies, and thus we want those snakes off that plane.

Or add a Chuck Norris cameo.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us[1]. He is also the author of such books as “Engine Failure, Cougars, and No Leg Room: A Frank Guide to Surviving Coach” and “Our Friends, the Snakes: Don’t Hate Them Because They’re Thin”.