Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Armed With Nerf Missiles By Scott Ott

The U.S. Navy on Saturday will commission its newest nuclear-powered attack submarine, the Jimmy Carter, with many new features, including multiple-warhead Nerf missiles.

President Carter, who brought peace to the middle east, vigorously defended America’s right to give away the Panama Canal and, in 1994, convinced North Korea to abandon talking about its nuclear weapons, said he’s honored to have his name on “one of the most powerful peacemaking devices on earth.”

Jimmy Carter is the first of the American Seahare-class subs, featuring a high-tech sonar system which alerts enemy forces to its presence and a safety device on the Nerf missiles which allows firing only after an enemy missile impact.

“This new generation of nuclear submarines is designed to use trust in our enemies as our first line of defense,” said an unnamed Navy spokesman.

President Carter has invited leaders from North Korea and Iran to the commissioning ceremony, during which former First Lady Rosalyn Carter, in a time-honored Navy tradition, will give the first order to “man our ship, bring her to life then park her over there by the dock!”

This satire was used with the permission of Scott Ott from Scrappleface. You can read more of his work by clicking here.

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