John Kerry To Develop Iraq Policy By 2021 By Matt Myford
Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry will develop a “clear, concise, consistent” Iraq policy by “no later than 2024,” a campaign memo stated yesterday.
The memo will be an “unmitigated disaster” for Kerry’s campaign, Republican strategists said.
“We were hoping Kerry could settle on a plan for Iraq by 2015,” one anonymous campaign aide said yesterday. “But this 2021 business will cement our boy’s reputation as a flip-flopping, weak-willed waffler.”
The memo also contained quotes that Kerry speechwriters “wisely excluded,” including the line, “If the American people elect me for two straight terms, I can guarantee that my plan for Iraq will be complete eleven years after I’ve left office…and if the Iraqis are fortunate, and I really decide to tackle the issue, it’ll be only four or five years after I’m outta there.”
Kerry also planned on articulating that if he “was in office during World War I, the Germans would’ve heard from us by the mid 1920s,” but that was also excluded because there were only 14 non-Vietnam related seconds of his acceptance speech.
The memo had Kerry “furious…wait, maybe not furious…let’s say perturbed” about the memo and that “he’ll figure out an Iraq policy by 2012 at the latest.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Matt Myford, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz.