Kerry Arrested For Stalking McCain By Andy Borowitz
Arizona Senator Seeks Restraining Order
Washington, D.C. police arrested presumptive Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry yesterday after Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) complained that Mr. Kerry was “stalking” him in an attempt to persuade him to join the Democratic ticket.
Police officers apprehended Sen. Kerry as he was shimmying up a drainpipe on the outside of Sen. McCain’s Washington townhouse, attempting to gain access to a second-story window.
“John is a dear friend of mine, and I was flattered that he wanted me to join the ticket – at first,” Mr. McCain told reporters. “But over the past few weeks he has gotten downright creepy.”
Sen. McCain said that Sen. Kerry’s courtship of him started as a series of friendly phone conversations, but then the calls started coming more frequently and often in the middle of the night.
After Sen. McCain placed himself on a “do not call” list to fend off future entreaties from Sen. Kerry, the increasingly impetuous Democrat resorted to more desperate measures, even disguising himself as a Domino’s Pizza deliveryman.
Now that Sen. Kerry is in police custody and undergoing psychiatric evaluation, Sen. McCain can breathe easy – for the moment.
The Arizona senator confirmed today that he has requested a restraining order keeping Sen. Kerry at least one hundred yards away from him at all times.
For his part, Sen. Kerry told reporters that he remained “optimistic” about persuading Mr. McCain and that such a restraining order would not ultimately prevent the Arizona senator from joining the ticket.
“The president and vice president never have to be within one hundred yards of each other,” Sen. Kerry said. “Look at Bush and Cheney.”
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