Kerry Calls Pope’s Abortion Stance ‘Not Nuanced’ By Scott Ott

The strict anti-abortion stance of Pope John Paul II is “tragically not nuanced,” according to U.S. Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry, a practicing Roman Catholic.

“I pray for an America where rosary beads are sold in abortion clinic gift shops,” said Mr. Kerry. “But I won’t be a Catholic president, or even, as John F. Kennedy called himself, ‘a president who happens to be Catholic’. I will be a president who happens to say he is Catholic but doesn’t feel constrained by the black-and-white teachings of a church which is the bedrock of values, of sureness about who I am.

Mr. Kerry made the remarks as he left Sunday Mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Flexible Doctrine.

“I dream of a nation that honors people who understand the difference between personal beliefs and public actions,” said Mr. Kerry, who just last week hurried back to the Senate chambers to vote against a bill that makes harming a fetus a criminal offense. “All during that Senate vote, I was meditating on the rosary…you know, quietly repeating ‘Hail Marys’ and ‘Our Fathers,’ etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.

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