Know Thy Enemy: Volcanoes By Frank J.
Since it looks like Mt. Saint Helens is going to erupt again, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about volcanoes. Here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES
* Volcanoes are like mountains… but with a gooey center!
* What a volcano kills most people with is its lava… or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano.
* Lava is molten rock. You have to heat rock pretty high to melt it. Like, my oven can get pretty hot, but I still couldn’t melt a rock… and I touched the rock that wasn’t melted as was like, “Ow!” That’s hot!
* Where lava comes from within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you’ll hit hot magma. And then China.
* If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies.
* Why is it so hot in the earth as to melt rock? I have no idea. Seems like someone must be doing something crazy down there. We better find out who… or what!
* Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can’t just drive away from the slowly moving magma.
* Those island volcanoes are bigger than they look because much of them is under water. If I were them, I’d go to Mount Everest and be like, “B*tch, you ain’t the tallest mountain! You just the tallest thing that don’t happen to be partially under water, foo’!”
* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.
* You can also use up a volcano’s lava supply by causing a bunch of volcanoes around it to go off. Ha!
* You could also try throwing some ice in it. Wouldn’t hurt.
* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.
* If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground.
* In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the results of the fight wouldn’t be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman’s remains are unearthed from the rock.
* If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it.
* Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge… unless it has railing.
* The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always asking for more money.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J, you can read more of his work at IMAO