Larry Craig To Senate Colleagues: “I Can’t Quit You” — Satire By Scott Ott

Idaho Republican Sen. Larry Craig, who is not gay, today announced that he had reconsidered his decision to leave the Senate following his reconsideration of his guilty plea to disorderly conduct charges related to his arrest in a men’s room in the Minneapolis Airport.

In a poignant memo to Senate colleagues, Sen. Craig said simply: “I can’t quit you.”

A spokesman, who insisted that Mr. Craig is not gay and was not trying to solicit a police officer in a men’s room stall, said that the Idaho lawmaker had initially announced his resignation from the Senate in hopes of avoiding publicity, and “to make the whole thing go away,” after he discovered that pleading guilty to a crime failed to make it go away.

“Essentially, Sen. Craig is still experimenting with ways to make previous mistakes vanish,” the unnamed source said. “If backing out of his resignation and revoking his guilty plea doesn’t work, he may apply for a refund on the airline ticket that took him to Minneapolis in the first place.”

This satire was used with the permission of Scrappleface.

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