Leak: Text Of Iran President’s Letter to Bush — Satire By Scott Ott
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s private letter to U.S. President George Bush proposing ‘new solutions‘ was also inadvertently emailed to Mr. Ahmadinejad’s ‘buddy list’, and so reached several major American news organizations yesterday.
It’s the first time since the 1979 revolution, that an Iranian leader has initiated direct contact with the President of the United States.
Below is a translation of the letter:
To: George Bush, president of the Great Satan, puppet of Zionists
Fr: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of peaceful Islamic Republic of Iran
Re: Recent tensions
Sorry it’s been so long. It hardly seems like 26 years since we held 52 Americans hostage for 444 days. Well, enough nostalgia.
Listen, I have some new ideas for how to end the tensions over our little nuclear energy project, and your crusade to let the Zionists take over the Muslim world.
I had a brainstorming session with the Guardian Council, and we came up with a lot of great solutions. But I know you’re busy putting down a Republican rebellion and trying to pull your approval rating out of the toilet (LOL), so I’ll just give you our top five ‘new solutions’.
5) Wipe Israel off the face of the map. Replace with goat ranch.
4) U.S. buys Iranian oil. I make threatening statements causing uncertainty in petroleum markets. We use the windfall profits to pay Russia to help us make nuclear devices, and to pay China to stop U.N. sanctions. U.S. continues to buy Iranian oil.
3) Get U.N. to adopt ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy regarding uranium enrichment.
2) Put Zionists in boxcars. Send back to Europe. Replace Israel with goat ranch.
1) U.S. joins global Muslim Caliphate, ensuring peace and bountiful supplies of enriched uranium for all of Allah’s people.
Feel free to choose more than one solution.
I know you have a lot on your plate — what with the threat of Nancy Pelosi becoming Speaker of the House — but try to get back to me quickly so we can get implementation on a fast track.
Yours in Peace,
This satire was used with the permission of Scrappleface.