Liberal Accuses Last Friend Of Being Fascist By Bob From Accounting
Graduate student Bryan Cash lost his final friend Tuesday, after a heated debate in which the 26-year-old environmental studies major accused his longtime neighbor of being a fascist.
“He also called me a hate-filled, warmongering closet racist and blatant homophobe,” said Mike Opper about the incident. “All I did was mention I heard Rush Limbaugh on the radio the other day. I tried to change the subject before things got ugly, but it just escalated. Let’s just say I will no longer be calling Mr. Cash for drinks or Scrabble.”
What many of Cash’s former friends point to as a pattern, is the seemingly happy-go lucky behavior, followed by many fun-filled nights of drinking and good conversation, but always ending with Cash accusing someone of fascism.
“He called me a fascist last year because I wouldn’t let him borrow a pair of my pants,” former golf buddy Craig Mobreth said. “I didn’t let him borrow my pants because I generally don’t loan my pants out to friends.”
According to former girlfriend Tina Squire, Cash first accused her of being a fascist while she was working as a hall monitor during high school. She spent many years afterwards fighting that label.
“I didn’t even know what it meant at the time,” Squire said. “I spent years reading the works of Mussolini and Hitler to get a better understanding of who I was so I could change. That’s how much I loved [Cash]. I didn’t want to be a fascist any more.”
The accusations eventually caused Cash to lose most of his friends, and instead of drinking beer at the graduate lounge where he once spent his weekends, Cash would just sit in the library attempting to argue politics with other students and strangers.
“Obviously he was looking for someone to talk to and vent his strong feelings about the Iraq War,” said longtime Berkeley librarian Susan Unger. “But then when I shushed him and politely asked him to keep his voice down, he called me a fascist. Just like that. I didn’t even vote for Bush.”
One local police officer who asked to remain anonymous admits he was grateful when Cash accused him of fascism after he pulled him over one day and proceed to write him a speeding ticket.
“He called me a small-minded fascist cop and said I was targeting him because he had long hair. I guess in a way he was right, though it was mostly because I thought he was Mexican. Anyway, it made me more careful about who I pull over.”
Cash, who refused to grant an interview for this article, did provide a written statement where he agreed he may have gone a bit overboard in his zeal to point out obvious fascists in society.
Wrote Cash, “I only accuse people of being fascist because I want to demonstrate how we live in a police state where our freedoms are at stake every single day by these fascist leaders with fascist policies, pursuing a fascist agenda.”
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