‘Mad Cow’ News Depresses Spinal Fluid, Brain Sales By Scott Ott

Sales of America’s dietary staples–cow spinal fluid and brain tissue–dropped significantly last week after the discovery of a case of bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE or mad cow disease‘) in Mabton, Washington.

A quick survey of upscale cafes in the Seattle area showed a precipitous decrease in sales of spinal latte, a musky cocktail made from steamed spinal fluids and arabica beans.

Meanwhile, delicatessens throughout the city report declining demand for their formerly-popular brain-based foods.

“I used to love coming here for a cerebellum sandwich and a cup of spinal soup,” said an unnamed deli customer, “But these news reports have got me spooked. I think I’m going to stick with tuna for a while, even though the mercury in tuna seems to make me unusually sensitive to temperature changes.”

The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) issued a news release confirming the safety of the “vast majority of cow central nervous system foods.”

“There is no cause for alarm,” according to the USDA release. “Americans should continue to enjoy a normal diet, rich in cow spinal products, temporal lobes, cerebral cortices and medulla oblongata. Especially during the holidays, we encourage everyone to eat brain, drink spinal fluid and be merry.”

The USDA will launch a public service advertising campaign later this week featuring young, hip celebrities singing:

“With the thoughts you’d be thinking,
You could be another Lincoln,
if you only ate a brain.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.

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