Man Up, Edwards

So John Edwards regularly spends $400 dollars at The Pink Sapphire for beauty care (he claims it’s all for a hair cut, but there’s reason to believe otherwise). I was one of those who condemned Ann Coulter for her slur about Edwards at CPAC, but now I’m starting to think I owe her an apology. The fact is Edwards has an image problem of being a little sissy-girl. Terrorists and other enemies of America are not going to be intimidated by Edwards’s “fabulous” hair. He needs to man up. And since, judging by the roster, I’m the manliest guest blogger here today, I can give him tips on how to do that.

FRANK TIPS ON HOW EDWARDS CAN MAN UP

* Practice firearm usage until you can fire a gun without sobbing uncontrollably between each trigger pull.

* Learn enough about a sport so you can go to a game and cheer along with your wife instead of just knitting through it. Since I guess it will come up, ice skating is not actually a sport.

* See if your manicurist offers a “rough cut.”

* I don’t think you do this consciously, but every time the war in Iraq is brought up you move the subject to how great your hair is looking today. You’ll want to stop doing that.

* Whenever you’re shown at your giant home, you often shriek and are chased by a cat. I don’t know if that’s your cat or the neighbor’s cat, but in the future, make sure it’s penned before the press gets there.

* When debating Hillary Clinton, don’t use the remainder of your time to give her beauty tips. Yes, she could use them, but that’s not the point of the debates.

* Stop claiming that Kenneth from 30 Rock is based on you. It’s probably true, but it’s not something you want as common knowledge.

* It would really help your image if you got in a fist fight with someone. The operative word is “fist;” I don’t want to see a lot of slapping like when that kindergartener knocked you down.

* You exclaim “Yay! Ribbons!” a lot for a presidential candidate. It would help you avoid the temptation if you had your photo-ops in small towns at sporting goods stores instead of places that you tend to frequent that sell ribbons.

* When you shake hands, make sure to grip with all the strength you’ve got and give it a firm shake. Afterwards, don’t compliment the person’s smooth skin… especially if it’s a guy.

* Another great way to change your image would be to enter a demolition derby. Just remember that while competing, you don’t need to signal your turns.

* We actually don’t doubt it, so stop indignantly exclaiming “I DO have a penis!” every time a reporter baits you.

Frank J. is much smarter than you and blogs at IMAO.us with his carefully selected gang of superfriends. His blog has enough readers already and thus you’re not allowed over there. Sorry.

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