Marvel No More By Noel

by John Hawkins | January 2, 2008 3:00 am

WHEN WE WERE KIDZ(TM), back in the 60’s, Marvel Comics were cool.

Oh, sure; we’d read DC Comics sometimes, but Superman and Wonder Woman always seemed kinda corporate, our parents’ superheroes.

While Marvel still had Capt. America and the Sub-Mariner from the 40’s, their heroes felt modern and hip. Looking back, Marvel was always liberal—but in the joie de vivre spirit of the times, not in some deadening Left-wing sense. They made New York City seem like a happenin’ place to us kids out in the provinces. Marvel Comics were, in short, fun.

I guess illustrator Jack Kirby is gone and Stan Lee lost control of his creations long ago, and you can’t go home again. And it was bad enough when, thanks to snot-nosed Lefty cartoonists, Dick Cheney recently water-boarded Capt. America to death under a secret provision of the Patriot Act or some such nonsense.

But now Marvel superheroes are going to fight under the control of the UN.

Excuse me, but that’s gay. “Captain Planet”-gay. Teaming up with the UN is something those losers over at the Justice League would do, not the Marvel superheroes I knew.

In the old days, Spiderman used to swing by the UN building and crack a few parking-ticket jokes. Now he’s going to help fix them?[1]

Tigerhawk[2] gets it right: “With the possible exception of the Fantastic Four (who have always worked with the Man), there are no important superheroes in the Marvel Universe who would work for the United Nations. Certainly not Spider-Man. Unless, of course, the story requires them to beat up on United Nations soldiers for raping girls and trading sex for favors. But somehow I don’t think that’s the point.”

Worse, these “free” comic books will be distributed to American school-kids, meaning we’ll have to pay to propagandize our own children.

I can’t wait ’til they tell the Human Torch he’s in violation of UN Global Warming standards, and they force Thor to renounce Odin-ism, and they tell the Incredible Hulk that he can’t “SMASH!” and tell the Thing that it’s not “Clobberin’ Time!” until 15 different resolutions have been passed, a process that takes, oh, about 15 years.

Doug Ross got his hands on the first issue of Kofi Comix[3]. Meanwhile, my Spidey-sense is tingling. Oh, wait—it was just gas royalties from Saddam.

Flame On!

This content was used with the permission of Cold Fury[4].