McDonald’s to Offer Drive-Thru Litigation Service

McDonald’s to Offer Drive-Thru Litigation Service

McDonald’s to Offer Drive-Thru Litigation Service By Shamus Young: OAK BROOK, IL — Fast food giant McDonalds Corporation is rolling out a new “McLitigate” drive-thru service, which promises to give customers a faster, more convenient way to sue the company.

Participating restaurants will add a third window to the drive-thru process, where customers can negotiate a settlement for any ill effects they may experience from the food they’ve just purchased. Each settlement window will have a McDonald’s judge and a menu of different payout types.

The new McLitigate offers a variety of payouts for all sorts of afflictions as a result of visiting McDonald’s. The highest payouts are for people with life-changing problems, such as those who pour hot coffee all over themselves or who keep eating McDonald’s food when they really should go out and get some exercise. These payouts can range from just a few hundred thousand to several million. Lower end payments are for people suffering from discomforting or embarrassing gas, or from unsightly cars filled with old wrappers. Payouts for these customers usually consist of expired McMillions game pieces and some ketchup packets.

Said Mike Roberts, president of McDonald’s USA, “We hope that new McLitigate will offer customers a fast and profitable alternative to a lawsuit. This will save both parties time and money that would be wasted on lawyers and expensive legal proceedings. Most customers have their money even before they’ve finished their meal. That’s service, and that’s McDonald’s.”

If you enjoyed the satire by Shamus Young, you can read more of his work at The Lemon.

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