More October Surprises Found By Iowahawk

(Ed. note: our Manhattan correspondent has located the first drafts of several upcoming New York Times stories, found in a alley dumpster behind the Times building. I will be updating throughout the day as documents are verified and coffee grounds removed.)

FLORIDA CAR ARREST MAY PORTEND SUPPRESSION OF SENIOR VOTE

Attorneys for the Florida Kerry-Edwards campaign darkly warned that “we are now seeing signs of a massive Bush plan to disenfranchise elderly voters” after a Sarasota man was arrested today on charges that he tried to run down Congresswoman Katherine Harris with his car.

“The Bush campaign is now using Florida law enforcement officials to incarcerate citizens like [suspect] Barry Seltzer for simply exercising their right to freedom of vehicular speech,” said Kerry Spokesman Chris Lehane. “If they continue their plan to arrest Floridians who drive their Cadillacs on the sidewalk, it will invalidate over 85,000 ballots in Sarasota County alone.”

Kerry attorneys said they will file a Federal civil rights suit accusing the Bush Campaign with voter intimidation of Florida seniors, including poor ‘Early Bird’ service at Red Lobster, tampering with bingo daubers, and hiding the remote control.

ANALYSIS: IRAQ EXPLOSIVES EASILY MOVED BY ‘WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN’ CONTESTANTS

A new scientific study by the French Ministry of Sport and Jejune Ennui reported today that the 380 tons of high explosives missing from an Iraqi site “could have easily been looted by a team of specially trained burly Scandanavian strongmen with ‘roid rage.'”

In a controlled experiment broadcast at 3AM on ESPN-6, researchers determined that a team of 12 Euro champions were able to move over 415 tons of explosives, packaged as granite boulders and Volvo semi trucks, in less than 20 minutes with commercial breaks.

The study casts new doubt on NBC News claims that deadly RDX explosives had already been moved by the time US soldiers arrived at a suspected site in Al-Qaqaa, and that removing the materials would have been difficult with a US military presence.

“Ya yiminy, Olaf move the heavy bombs,” said Icelandic team member Olaf Magnussnnarddsson, who suffered a minor hernia and a burst temple vein in the experiment.

An independent study by physicists at FermiLab reached similar conclusions, noting that “extrapolating from the hit 1961 single ‘Sixteen Tons,’ the entire arms cache could have been lifted in only 23.8 Tennessee Ernie Ford-Days, with a minor increase in debt to the Company store.”

WEDNESDAY REPORT: OHIO UNEMPLOYMENT AT 87.8%

A new labor department report scheduled for release Wednesday, November 3 will show the Ohio unemployment rate rising to 87.8%, according to a source close to government insiders with ties to analysts who have learned details from staffers who may have seen copies of the report. The reported rate would represent a 81.9 point increase over the previous Ohio unemployment rate reported in the September Regional Jobs Report.

The source indicated that the unemployment rates in Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota, Pennsylvania and Iowa will show similar increases, but the report may be delayed due to mass starvation throughout the upper Midwest.

REPUBLICAN PRECINCT CHANGES ANNOUNCED

An emergency press release from a new Republican-oriented website urges GOP voters in several states to disregard printed ballot instructions and cast their votes in appointed voting precincts.

“Attention Republicans, note your new official voting sites,” said the extremely official-looking website, http://officialrepublicanwebsite.notthenytimes.fr. “Please report to your assigned location, or Jesus will smite thee.”

The official-looking instructions request that Florida GOP voters cast votes in Georgia, New Mexico voters seek polling locations in Texas, and that Hawaiian GOP voters travel to Utah.

DRUNK BUSH DRAGGED JAMES BYRD BEHIND AWOL JET

Then-airman George W. Bush was reprimanded by superiors for a drunken 1972 AWOL incident in which he dragged a helpless James Byrd behind his F-101, according to a new Texas Air National Guard document found in an Abeline, Texas Kinkos restroom.

The newly unsealed document, which several experts have now verified as typewritten, resurrected nagging questions about Bush’s disputed controversial “military service,” his drug and alcohol abuse, and his role in the slaying of Byrd.

The document shows that Bush earned a stern reprimand from a commanding officer, 6-Star General Smith, who remarks that “Dude, that is so not cool.”

Smith goes on to recommend that Bush “freeze the dude’s body, so like later on you can be governor and blame it on some rednecks, and then have those guys executed.”

BUSH FAILED TO SECURE OWN CAMPAIGN HQS — REPORT

The Kerry campaign today blasted the Bush Administration for a “systemic security failure” after reports of violent attacks on Bush campaign headquarters in Florida, Tennessee, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and Oregon.

A new security briefing from the independent grassroots political organization MoveOn.org, “Let’s Smash Some Windows,” outlines several serious security flaws at Bush-Cheney campaign offices and daycare centers housing the children of GOP volunteers.

“If the Bush Administration cannot guarantee the security of their own offices, yard signs and car doors against petty vandals, how can they be trusted to win the peace in Iraq?” asked spokeswoman Mary Beth Cahill, who urged voters to check their local Kroger Value Day ad for money saving coupons on Grade A large eggs and Scott Bathroom Tissue.

If you enjoyed this satire by Iowahawk, you can read more of his work here.

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