Movie Review: “Shrek 2”

So while I’m vacationing this week-end, I decide to take in a movie. Unfortunately for me, I chose to go see “Shrek 2,” a festering, execrable, dung heap of a children’s movie that will undoubtedly turn every child who watches into a perverted cross between Marv Albert and Michael Jackson. Some of you probably think I’m exaggerating, but it’s almost impossible to convey to you how warped you’d have to be create a monstrosity like this and market it to children.

The two main “protagonists” of the film are big, green, orcs, hobgoblins, trolls, something, I’m not sure what they were supposed to be, they never said. But, they run around assaulting humans, farting, and insulting Eddie Murphy’s character, their friend, who is a donkey who apparently mated with a dragon. Of course, it gets worse later in the movie when we find out a woman and frog are married. Welcome to the “Shrek 2” freaky free-for-all mating zone!

If only that were it, this simply would be a bad movie — another Leonardo Dicaprio’s “The Beach” or even “Gigli”. But, the kid’s pervert-o-mind-a-rama doesn’t stop there. We get the female troll’s father trying to have her husband murdered, Pinocchio wearing women’s underwear, the lead hobgoblin and his friends stealing things from a faerie godmother like common criminals, and a gingerbread man having his arms ripped off and drowning to death while everyone else has a lovely party. It was like some sort of demented wonderland dreamed up by a crack addict who just watched the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.

So, let me cut to the chase — thumbs down — so far down that my thumb is now right now in China and there is a Chinese woman there, looking at my thumb, and asking herself how a thumb could have gone so far down that it made it to the other side of the world. But, that’s how bad, how twisted, how perfectly French this despicable movie was.

PS: I’m just kidding, thumbs up except for the Pinocchio wearing women’s underwear thing. Who wants to see that in a children’s movie?

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