Museum Of Crime And Punishment Will Have Carter Presidency Wing — Satire By Matt Myford

The National Museum of Crime and Punishment, which opened last week, will feature a special wing dedicated to “all hideous aspects of the Jimmy Carter presidency,” sources said with semi-straight faces.

The exhibit will be “rotating and permanent,” according to museum officials. “Thankfully, the Carter years weren’t permanent…I can scarcely imagine such horror!” commented a museum official.

Museum patrons, upon entering the exhibit, will hear Carter’s infamous July 15, 1979 “Malaise Speech.” In it, the president served notice of an American “crisis of confidence,” told his constituents to wear extra clothing in the winter and “basically was the largest government-induced downer of all-time.”

“Not exactly Churchillian ‘fight them anywhere’ type of rhetoric,” states the exhibits pamphlet.

“It’ll set the tone for the rest of the awful, depressing, uninspirational show,” said a museum janitor, who was given an advance showing of the exhibit and has since “lost hair and put on 30 pounds.”

An added feature will be 1977-era peanuts, which will “induce nausea, upset stomach, and possible fits of vomiting.” Barf bags will provided at no extra cost, officials said.

“My thinking is, the Carter years were pretty much a crime, and the American people were punished. That leaves no doubt as to this exhibits qualifications, right?” said an anonymous curator.

“Uh…I’m NOT anonymous,” the fellow continued. “My name is Preston Hammond and I suffered immensely during the late-70s and early 80s. Let it be known! Long fuel lines. The U.S. brand tarnished abroad. That whole disgusting, dishonest Playboy interview…BLAH!!!”

Future additions to the Museum of Crime and Punishment are tentatively titled “80s Hair Bands: Every God-Awful Ballad,” and “The Oprah Show: Our Perpetual
National Nightmare.”

“We hope they can exceed the low standards the Carter exhibit has dug,” said Mr. Hammond, a former crack Presidential historian. “He set the bar extremely low, but with any luck Ratt, Poison, L.A. Guns and Ms. Winfrey can one day achieve similar notoriety.”

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