My Favorite Tax — Satire By Liberal Larry
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: I LOVE TAXES! April 15th is like Christmas for Progressives, and I look forward to it every year. I admit that I sometimes become mildly miffed that my paychecks keep getting smaller and smaller, but I’m fully cognizant that it’s because the wealthiest Americans refuse to pay my fair share. Unlike greedy conservatives who cling to the fruits of their labor as if they actually “earned” them, I’m also mature enough to know that in a functioning society, confiscatory taxation is necessary in order to fund social services for the poor and vulnerable. People like little Julio, the blind, double-amputee child from Costa Rica who earns minimum wage working as a foot stool for a wealthy Republican banker. Or little Ashley, the blind, quadraplegic grandmother who spends her days slithering around the railroad tracks for discarded pop cans. While selfish conservatives would prefer we abandon poor Julio and Ashley for the sake of a few extra pennies in their paychecks, we must not let the fact that neither of these individuals exist harden our hearts to their suffering. Military spending notwithstanding, every tax that a benevolent state places on it’s people is for their own good. Simply put, taxation is a beautiful expression of a mother’s love for her children.
With Washington democrats controlling both branches of the state legislature and the governor’s mansion, they’ve been spreading the love like its going out of style. And there are so many ways to say “I Love You”.
We have a wonderful new tax on SPAM, for instance. I recall with great fondness my financially lean college years, when many a Friday night would be spent alone in my dorm room, nibbling on slices of SPAM pressed between two saltine crackers. I remember thinking as I licked the thick, gelatinous, SPAM goo off my fingers, “Gosh, the only way life could be any better would be if this crap cost nine bucks a can.” Besides, we had such a bumper crop of SPAM this year, there’s no reason not to share a little bit of the wealth to help the poor, blind, inner-city children from which SPAM is made.
We were also just treated to a 10 cent gas tax hike to pay for road repairs they’ll never make and a choo-choo train no one will ride. Republicans are of course complaining, as they always do. They don’t mind the money we spend on gas going into the pockets of their Big Oil Buddies, but they throw a complete hissy if we keep a few measly pennies here at home so the poor, inner-city children of union bosses don’t have to subsist on SPAM to survive.
A new tax on botox injections and cosmetic surgery probably wouldn’t pass in Massachusetts or California, but it’s gaining ground here in the Evergreen State where the funds could be used to help – of all people – poor, inner-city children. In the past couple of weeks, there have been almost as many complaints as there have been new taxes, but as long as there are exemptions for gender modification, I think its a great idea.
Gov. Christine Gregoire, who was reluctant to bless us with new taxes during her campaign, has promised to raise and reinstate some of the old taxes instead, so it’ll seem like we’re being anally raped by old friends. She has also proposed to close the dreaded Estate Tax Loophole, which has allowed untold rich people to use death as an excuse to avoid paying my fair share.
There’s also a new tax on extended computer warranties, which I can’t explain but I’m sure will go to help the poor, inner city children who so desperately need it.
All these taxes make me as giddy as a little girl, but my favorite revenue enhancer of all is the Sin Tax, because it perfectly illustrates the state’s superiority over the church as the interpreter of morality. Indeed, whereas God and the Bible are hazy and ambiguous in regards to the definition of “sin”, Our Loving Mother in Olympia sends a clear message through the use of taxation that activities such as smoking, gambling, drinking, and eating SPAM are unacceptable. Adultery and abortion, however, are not taxed and therefore aren’t official “sins”. And while the church demands you ask forgiveness for your sins and then “sin no more”, the state encourages you to go right on sinning, for the funds from sin taxes go to help the poor, inner-city blind children and their quadruple amputee grandmothers. By turning an evil act into a good deed, the state effectively absolves you of the sin while you’re in the very commission of it! Try to get a deal like that from Pope Hitler.
By the way, the state liquor stores will now be open on Sundays so be sure to stop by and pick up a bottle of Jack on your way home from Church. Do it for the poor, inner-city, blind children.
Satire used with the permission of Liberal Larry from BlameBush! You can read more of his work by clicking here.