New York Times Endorses Kerry Twice By Scott Ott

The editorial board of The New York Times Monday issued its second endorsement of John Forbes Kerry in as many days.

The Times said the latest endorsement is part of a periodic series of articles which have appeared in various sections of the newspaper throughout the campaign.

Here are some excerpts from the latest Times editorial titled “John Forbes Kerry: Decidedly Different”:

“In the journalistic tradition of full disclosure, we need to acknowledge the political bias of the editorial staff at The New York Times. A recent in-house poll shows that 97 percent of our news department tried to vote for Al Gore in the 2000 presidential election, but they were disenfranchised because of trifling concerns about their criminal records and other nonsense about being at the wrong polling place or not having genuine identification. (Although it should be noted that our staff had no trouble using their IDs to buy some fine, vintage Chinese communist automatic weapons at a local gun show.) The Bush administration and its co-conspirators at local polling places have a dark record of treating felons as if they’re criminals.”

“We believe John Forbes Kerry has the experience it will take to sit at the table with U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, and acquire the necessary permissions for America to carry out her foreign policy objectives.”

“One wrestles with how best to describe Mr. Kerry; a seasoned, steady, accomplished man who cuts a dashing figure as he snowboards and bikes across the American political landscape. He’s a career Vietnam veteran, distinguished war protestor, protector and resuscitator of family rodents, loving husband of two women with whom he shared the burden of enormous wealth, friend of downtrodden trial lawyers and, to a certain extent, he is also a U.S. Senator.”

“He’s a profoundly moral man, yet a man who never lets his morality dictate his policies. Like John F. Kennedy, Mr. Kerry won’t be a Roman Catholic president, he’ll be a president who says that he’s a Roman Catholic.”

“Perhaps the most impressive feature of Mr. Kerry’s campaign can be encapsulated in a single sentence: ‘I have a plan.’ With that uncharacteristically succinct quartet of monosyllabic words, he has captured the imagination of the nation in a fashion reminiscent of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.”

Future President Kerry has a plan for every aspect of American life, including…

* rolling back tax cuts to ease the guilt of small business people by allowing them to cover more of the federal government’s expenses,

* getting back President Clinton’s $5.6 trillion budget surplus by reinstituting the 1990s-era irrational exuberance,

* removing the last stains of market forces from the health care system to prevent patients from being rushed into surgical procedures without the months of contemplation enjoyed by our Canadian and European friends,

* bringing home our backdoor-drafted National Guard and Reserve troops and replacing them with French and German soldiers eager to experience the glory of fighting the wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time,

* bypassing the six-nation talks on North Korean nuclear weapons which have done nothing but isolate Kim Jong Il from his neighbors and allies, and launching bilateral talks between President Kerry and the “Dear Leader,” in a fashion reminiscent of Madeleine Albright, thereby winning Mr. Kim’s trust.

“For all these crises and more, Mr. Kerry has a plan. We know that it’s a great plan, because he can’t tell us what it is until he sits in the Oval Office. It’s a very presidential plan. It’s not a mere legislative plan, otherwise Mr. Kerry would have introduced it as a bill during his 19 years in the senate. No, this plan is something grand, something majestic, something unexpected, mysterious and special. Frankly, we sit on the edge of our seats, eager to hear the details of the plan from the architect himself during his first televised address from behind the big desk at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”

“This is perhaps the ultimate reason why Mr. Kerry must be elected. If America fails him at the ballot box and sends him back to finish his final term as senator, we will never get to hear the plan. It’s just not the kind of plan you can talk about in the senate.”

“To sum up, Mr. Kerry is decidedly different than President Bush.

He knows all of the things this administration has done wrong.

Mr. Kerry will not do those things.

He will do other things–things that are right.

That’s the plan.

That’s why you should vote to elect John Forbes Kerry the 44th president of the United States.”

“I’m John Forbes Kerry, and I approve of this message.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.

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