North Korea — Vacation Paradise?

Oh yeah, this is going to work…

“Strapped for cash, reclusive North Korea is looking to attract foreign tourists to its forested mountains and showpiece capital, a travel industry official said.

“We definitely got the impression that people were quite keen to see more international visitors come in,” said Neil Plimmer, who recently led a team from the Pacific Asia Travel Association to the communist country to assess its tourism potential.

Top tourist attractions would include the forested mountains of Myohyang, the historic city of Kaesong close to the border with South Korea and capital Pyongyang, which Plimmer described as bustling with people, trams and ice cream sellers.

Few foreigners visit now

…According to South Korea’s Unification Ministry, 84,340 South Korean tourists and just 380 foreigners visited North Korea in 2002. Plimmer said foreign visitors, who mainly transit through Beijing, had dried up after the SARS outbreak hammered Asia’s tourist industry between March and July this year.”

Yes, I’m sure that the first place most people dream of spending a vacation is in North Korea. Can you just imagine the tourism commercials?

“(Suave North Korean Announcer) Are you looking for the newest vacation spot for the pampered and sophisticated elite? Have you already smoked Cuban cigars with Castro, drank wine with Johnny Depp in France, and eaten chocolate with Belgian prime minister — oh, what was his name, oh well, he’s from Belgium, so who cares?

Then it’s time to head to paradise — otherwise known as North Korea! Now I know what you’re probably thinking, “North Korea? Isn’t that the backwards, warlike country where everyone starves to death while that pumpkin-headed psycho Kim Jong-Il lives in luxury and threatens his neighbors”? Why yes it is — so please help me get of the country, please, I’ll do anything, if there’s an ounce of humanity in your body you’ll sneak me out of here!!!! Let me go…let me go…no, don’t take me away…nooooooooooooo!

(Another Voice Takes Over) That was very funny joke — Ha, Ha, Ha — tell it to the guards at the gulag and maybe they’ll be laughing too hard to keep kicking you in the ribs….well I doubt that actually. But take it from me, Kim Jong-Il, those are the sort of wacky hijinx you can expect when you are vacationing here in North Korea!

Now people say, “You are crazy Kim Jong-Il, you kidnap people and might get into a war with the United States”. You say that in front of me and I will kidnap you and kill you myself! No one insults the honor of Kim-Jong-Il, of North Korea, of the squash who is my best friend, or of my top adviser Mr. Frisky the ferret.

So you come to North Korea on vacation or I go crazy and launch missiles all over the place. Is that what you want? To be responsible for me starting a war with America, Japan, and South Korea? Then you come here for vacation…you come here right now! Come here now or I kill you! No, it is too late, I kill you whether you come here or not! No one mess with Kim Jong-Il! No one!

Oh, you have frown on your face mr. soundman…you don’t like Kim Jong-Il’s tourism pitch? You think you are smarter than Kim Jong-Il? Maybe you are thinking of leading a coup — is that your little game? (gunfire is heard). Not this time! I will teach them all a lesson! Guards go through the building and shoot everyone who has a name that starts with C — for coup! They will all fear me, they will tremble before me as if I were a poofy haired GOD!

Oh…and please come to North Korea on vacation. You will have great time! See you soon! “

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