Paging Darren Stevens By Iowahawk

Famous brooding internet intellectual Joshua Micah Fauntleroy Mellencamp Heinz-Marshall (apologies to Ace) has put his finger on the root of John Kerry’s electoral dysfunction — inadequate slogans! — and solicits suggestions. We aim to please, Josh.

I Will Keep Our Enemies Guessing, Too

Projecting American Strength Through Intricately Complex Nuance

The Thinking Man’s Self-Confessed War Criminal

Vote For Me or My Running Mate Will Sue

Those Atrocity Stories? Dude, I Was Just Sh*tting You

I Will Do For You the Many Wonderous Things I Have Done For Massachusetts

Fear Not, America, I Have Deigned to Lead You

I Will Never Recuse My UN Ambassador from the Vote to Ask for a Permission Slip to Defend This Country

The Next Time America is Attacked, I Promise To Open Up a Carafe of [email protected]

Post-Emptive Leadership For A Safer World

I Have Three Words For George Bush — Bring It On

I Have Five More Words For George Bush — Call Off Your On-Bringers

Restoring America’s Seat At The Global Popular Table

Come Home Again, America… No Wait, Stay There Again

There Once Was A Man From Nantucket, If You Get My Drift

Some Look at Things As They Are And Say, ‘Why?’ Others Look at Things As They Are Not And Say, ‘Why Not?’, And I Suppose A Few Might Look at Things As They Are Not, And Say ‘Why?’, and Vice-Versa, and So Forth, And One Might Be Tempted To Look at These People Looking at Things And Ask ‘Who?’ But This Would Not Be Constructive, Because The Important Thing To Realize Is That Some People Like To Look At Things, And This Is Precisely My Point

If you enjoyed this satire by Iowahawk, you can read more of his work here.

Share this!

Enjoy reading? Share it with your friends!

Send this to a friend