Patrick Henry & The Bookbag Massacre!

Ah, there’s nothing like government working for the people and handling the important issues like the weight of bookbags kids are carrying…

“Loaded with notebooks, books and a binder which alone weighs 6 pounds, the backpack Brito lugs to Framingham’s Cameron Middle School is 25 pounds of strain on his back, shoulders and neck.

A bill proposed by state Rep. Louis Kafka, D-Sharon, however, just might take some of the load off.

With the help of Sharon school officials worried about the health risks hefty backpacks pose for young students, Kafka has proposed legislation to limit the weight of books in public schools.

If approved, Massachusetts would join a handful of states hoping to lighten the load students carry to and from school.

“If it’s a problem that students have in Massachusetts, New Jersey and California, it’s most likely students across the country are dealing with it,” said Kafka, who would like federal lawmakers to take up the issue.”

Is that what the Revolution our Founding Fathers started more than 200 years ago has come to? A vast nannystate that’s actually regulating how heavy kid’s bookbags are? I mean what do you think Ben Franklin or George Washington or James Madison would say if you told them back in 1776 that one day that our government would be such a vast, overreaching colossus that it would be regulating these sorts of piddly irrelevancies?

Personally, while I always hate to put words in the mouths of the original “Team America”, I’d have to think they’d be furious. So furious that were I Kafka I would not even walk over the grave of Thomas Jefferson out of fear that he’d claw his way out of the dirt, wrap his bony skeletal hand around my throat, give and earsplitting shriek and drag me back into the grave with him as a lesson to big government toadies all across our country.

In fact, that would make a great horror film — the Founding Fathers are back from the grave and fighting for freedom against a bloated government! Once they fought the British, but now it’s personal! Ben Franklin is stalking the halls of Congress, Thomas Jefferson is at the IRS, and Patrick Henry is taking out the trash at the EPA. Just imagine it…

Congressman Porkbarrel: Har, har, har! These new regulations will be worth millions to the lawyer’s union!

EPA Hippy: And the habitat of the speckle nosed water owl will be protected at a cost of only 4 billion dollars. I guess that local community will have to make do without that school and hospital they were planning to build on the land.

Congressman Porkbarrel: (Smirking)….Such a shame

(Congressman Porkbarrel & EPA Hippy both laugh maniacally — then the lights go out).

EPA Hippy: What’s that?

Congressman Porkbarrel: It could be a power outage or maybe a generator blew out. It could be practically anything except perhaps the furious ghost of Patrick Henry back from the dead and looking to wreak vengeance on us for all of this government waste.

Patrick Henry: Wrong Porkbarrel! I’ll give both of you one chance to make it out of here alive. Complete this famous quote, “Give me liberty or…”

Congressman Porkbarrel & EPA Hippy : GIVE ME DEATH!!!!! Uh-oh…

Patrick Henry: Give you death eh? You got it! (Throws on hockey mask & whips out chainsaw) — scene ends in a bloody mess.

OK, that’s kind of a B movie concept for a horror film, but I’d watch it…not at the theater of course, on video, but still…it would make a fun movie.

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