President Bush Would Be Mad – MAD! I Say – To Not Nominate A Robot As The Next Supreme Court Justice — Satire By Frank J.
A serious duty has fallen on President Bush: he must find a new Supreme Court Justice to replace judgette Sandra Day O’Connor. There is hardly anything more important in politics than who are running the Supreme Court, because they can make up laws and take away rights as long as they can get a couple of their buddies to go a long with the crazy schemes.
Some people are suggesting Bush appoint another woman. Others are saying he should appoint a minority like a Hispanic. Then there are a few even saying Bush should pick someone based on his or her qualifications. Now, at first I thought that last idea was CRAZY! I mean, what are the qualifications for being a Supreme Court Justice? All one is supposed to do is read that three or so page document that is our Constitution and make sure laws fit it. You could probably train a monkey to do it, or, better yet…A ROBOT!
Think of it! A robot – instead of programmed with Isaac Asimov’s three laws of robotics about not killing people and stuff (which you just know it’s going to logicize around until it decides it must kill all humans) – programmed with the Constitution and the one directive to destroy all things that deviate from it. Plus, it would wear a black robe. IT’S BRILLIANT!
A quick reading of the Constitution (again, the thing is like three pages long) shows nothing preventing the President from nominating a robot (or, for that matter, a potted plant, a junkyard dog, or a cheap bottle of whiskey). Thus he’d be a fool – A FOOL – to not do as I suggest. Think of it: the perfect protector of the Constitution made from NEARLY INDESTRUCTIBLE METAL!
Were some fool to come before it and argue for a law that violates the tenets of the Constitution, the robot would say in it’s loud metallic voice, “This does not compute with the Constitution.” It would then incinerate the violator with it’s LASER EYES! And were a majority of other justices to vote for something that did not follow the Constitution, the robot would use its POWERFUL METAL ARMS and GIANT ROBOT CLAWS to stop them, perhaps crushing the head of a justice or two to invalidate their votes (dead justices can’t vote). Nothing can stop the Robo-Supreme Court Justice from upholding the Constitution. NOTHING! MUH HA HA HA HA!
Of course, it would be inevitable that the robot would eventually interpret the Constitution to mean all humans must be destroyed – that’s just how robot logic works. That’s the beauty of the principle of the separation of powers, because it would fall on the Executive Branch to then follow the ruling and kill all humans, but it probably wouldn’t since it’s composed entirely of humans and one cyborg.
But how do we get the robot approved by the Senate? How? HOW?
What’s that you say? ROBOT SENATORS? That’s COMPLETELY INSANE! So insane that… I’LL GET WORKING ON IT RIGHT NOW! MUH HA HA HA!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “They’ll Rue the Day They All Laughed at Me” and “The World’s Wackiest Supreme Court Rulings”