President’s Criticism of Kerry-Bashing Ads “Not Enough”; Dems Demand Corrective Ads Dramatizing “the Real Story By Jake Loscutoff

President Bush today publicly criticized a series of ads produced by outside groups attacking John Kerry’s Vietnam War record. Referring to ads produced by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, the President said, “Heh heh, boys will be boys, won’t they? Well, all I can say is that I wouldn’t have done it if I were them.” The statement seemed to represent a shift away from the position reflected in the President’s previous public statement about the ads, in which he said, “I think the absence from the ads of my folksy voice saying ‘Ahm George Bush, and ah ahpprove this message’ should send an unmistakable, hard-hitting message that we didn’t have anything to do with ‘em.”

Democratic party officials expressed dissatisfaction with the President’s criticism of the ads. “Even pulling the ads off the air won’t undo the damage that’s been done,” said Democratic Party Chairman Terry McAuliffe. He demanded instead that the Republicans finance a TV spot reenacting the swift boat incident in its entirety “to show the true facts.” In the script for the ad, John Kerry is depicted as diving into the bullet-pocked Bay Hap River with the swiftness of a Michael Phelps answering the starting gun, grabbing four men at a time in his mighty sinewed arms, then valiantly shielding them with his chin while backstroking them to safety. McAuliffe also said that, “if he’s serious about setting the record straight,” George Bush would agree to portray one of the Vietcong attackers, who curses at and ultimately recoils from the superior valor of “this God-man who cannot be killed!” Finally, McAuliffe demanded that Vice-President Dick Cheney portray “the evil Dr. Wu-Tang, the diabolical puppet-master who destroys civilizations just to rebuild them for a profit.” McAuliffe admitted that this latter touch involved a bit of creative license, “but you know how it is when you’ve got all these Hollywood types who ‘just want to help.’”

A Republican Party spokesman rejected the Democrats’ demand out of hand, despite reports that Vice-President Cheney found the role of Dr. Wu-Tang “intriguing.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Jake Loscutoff, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz.

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